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Discussion Board -> Off Topic -> a new joke list
a new joke list
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If this one goes over ok, I have one more bear joke.
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Art is the perception of the creator. Meaning is the perception of the viewer. acceptance is the perception of society.
Ok, that was funny...I'm ready for more!!!
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Here is the other one!
There was this Precipitation Minister who was always preaching Damnation to his flock and about the world; "he said that he was the only true follower of the Lord and how the whole world was full of evil".
One day the Minister went for a walk in the woods to get away from all of the sinners.
Well it so happens he came across a resting bear in the middle of the path.
Upset with the bear being in his way, he started to flail words of damnation at the bear.
Well of course the bear being a little startled and upset about being woken up from his deep sleep, he began to chase and strike the Minister.
Well the Minister kept up a good pace and fight, but the bear struck a strong blow and knocked the Minister down.
Well the minister thought this was it.
So out of fear he called to the lord?
Oh lord, what have I done?
Oh lord, why have you forsaken me?
Oh lord, in my moment of need, please talk to me!
After a few more strikes by the bear, the Minister heard an overwhelming powerful voice.
The voice said yes my child I have come to your side.
Relieved, the minister felt now he’s safe!
The Minister then asked the lord!
Oh lord what have I done to be afflicted this way?
The Lord then said this is your fault. I have left you this way because you are always judging others and bring fear into there hearts. You blame them for your own misgiving!
The Minister then said; then you will not help me?
The lord said no. You put yourself in this situation; you will get yourself out of it.
By this time the bear had started to take a few small bites out of him.
The Minister looked to the sky with fear and pain in his eyes and said please Lord, do one thing for me! Please.
The Lord said alright I will do this one last thing.
The Minister then said please lord? Turn this bear into a Christian?
The lord said done, and went silent.
The minister looked up at the bear just as he was going to bite, and the bear stopped.
The bear then bowed his head and said, “thank you father for this bounty I am about to receive”.
There was this Precipitation Minister who was always preaching Damnation to his flock and about the world; "he said that he was the only true follower of the Lord and how the whole world was full of evil".
One day the Minister went for a walk in the woods to get away from all of the sinners.
Well it so happens he came across a resting bear in the middle of the path.
Upset with the bear being in his way, he started to flail words of damnation at the bear.
Well of course the bear being a little startled and upset about being woken up from his deep sleep, he began to chase and strike the Minister.
Well the Minister kept up a good pace and fight, but the bear struck a strong blow and knocked the Minister down.
Well the minister thought this was it.
So out of fear he called to the lord?
Oh lord, what have I done?
Oh lord, why have you forsaken me?
Oh lord, in my moment of need, please talk to me!
After a few more strikes by the bear, the Minister heard an overwhelming powerful voice.
The voice said yes my child I have come to your side.
Relieved, the minister felt now he’s safe!
The Minister then asked the lord!
Oh lord what have I done to be afflicted this way?
The Lord then said this is your fault. I have left you this way because you are always judging others and bring fear into there hearts. You blame them for your own misgiving!
The Minister then said; then you will not help me?
The lord said no. You put yourself in this situation; you will get yourself out of it.
By this time the bear had started to take a few small bites out of him.
The Minister looked to the sky with fear and pain in his eyes and said please Lord, do one thing for me! Please.
The Lord said alright I will do this one last thing.
The Minister then said please lord? Turn this bear into a Christian?
The lord said done, and went silent.
The minister looked up at the bear just as he was going to bite, and the bear stopped.
The bear then bowed his head and said, “thank you father for this bounty I am about to receive”.
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Art is the perception of the creator. Meaning is the perception of the viewer. acceptance is the perception of society.
hehe... another good one, and it has a very nice lesson to be learned too. :o)
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The man who loved baked beans...
Once upon a time, there lived a man who had a terrible passion
for baked beans. He loved them, but they always had an
embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction on him. One day he met
a girl and fell in love. When it became apparent that they would
marry, he thought to himself, she'll never go through with the
marriage with me carrying on like this, so he made the supreme
sacrifice and gave up beans.
Shortly after that they were married. A few months later, on his
birthday and on the way home from work, his car broke down.
Since they lived in the country, he called his wife and told her
that he would be late because he had to walk home. On his way
home, he passed a small cafe and the wonderful aroma of baked
beans overwhelmed him. Since he still had several miles to walk
he figured he could walk off any ill affects before he got home.
It was, after all, his birthday. So he went in and ordered, and
before leaving had 3 extra large helpings of baked beans.
All the way home he putt-putted. By the time he arrived home he
felt reasonably safe. His wife met him at the door and seemed
somewhat excited. She exclaimed, "Darling, I have the most
wonderful surprise for you for dinner tonight!" She put a
blindfold on him, and led him to his chair at the head of the
table and made him promise not to peak. At this point he was
beginning to feel another one coming on. Just as his wife was
about to remove the blindfold, the telephone rang. She again
made him promise not to peek until she returned, and away she
went to answer the phone. While she was gone, he seized the
opportunity. He shifted his weight to one leg and let go. It was
not only loud, but ripe as a rotten egg. He had a hard time
breathing, so he felt for his napkin and fanned the air about
him. He had just started to feel better, when another urge came
on. He raised his leg and RRIIPPP !!! It sounded like a diesel
engine revving, and smelled worse. To keep from gagging, he
tried fanning his arms a while, hoping the smell would
dissipate. He got another urge. This was a real blue ribbon
winner, the windows shook, the dishes on the table rattled and a
minute later the flowers on the table were dead.
With his blindfold still on, when he heard the phone farewells
he neatly laid his napkin on his lap and folded his hands on top
of it. Smiling contentedly, he was the picture of innocence when
his wife walked in. Apologizing for taking so long, she asked if
he had peeked at the dinner table. After assuring her he had not
peeked, she removed the blindfold and yelled, "SURPRISE!!!"
To his shock and horror, there were twelve dinner guests seated
around the table for his surprise birthday party.
Once upon a time, there lived a man who had a terrible passion
for baked beans. He loved them, but they always had an
embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction on him. One day he met
a girl and fell in love. When it became apparent that they would
marry, he thought to himself, she'll never go through with the
marriage with me carrying on like this, so he made the supreme
sacrifice and gave up beans.
Shortly after that they were married. A few months later, on his
birthday and on the way home from work, his car broke down.
Since they lived in the country, he called his wife and told her
that he would be late because he had to walk home. On his way
home, he passed a small cafe and the wonderful aroma of baked
beans overwhelmed him. Since he still had several miles to walk
he figured he could walk off any ill affects before he got home.
It was, after all, his birthday. So he went in and ordered, and
before leaving had 3 extra large helpings of baked beans.
All the way home he putt-putted. By the time he arrived home he
felt reasonably safe. His wife met him at the door and seemed
somewhat excited. She exclaimed, "Darling, I have the most
wonderful surprise for you for dinner tonight!" She put a
blindfold on him, and led him to his chair at the head of the
table and made him promise not to peak. At this point he was
beginning to feel another one coming on. Just as his wife was
about to remove the blindfold, the telephone rang. She again
made him promise not to peek until she returned, and away she
went to answer the phone. While she was gone, he seized the
opportunity. He shifted his weight to one leg and let go. It was
not only loud, but ripe as a rotten egg. He had a hard time
breathing, so he felt for his napkin and fanned the air about
him. He had just started to feel better, when another urge came
on. He raised his leg and RRIIPPP !!! It sounded like a diesel
engine revving, and smelled worse. To keep from gagging, he
tried fanning his arms a while, hoping the smell would
dissipate. He got another urge. This was a real blue ribbon
winner, the windows shook, the dishes on the table rattled and a
minute later the flowers on the table were dead.
With his blindfold still on, when he heard the phone farewells
he neatly laid his napkin on his lap and folded his hands on top
of it. Smiling contentedly, he was the picture of innocence when
his wife walked in. Apologizing for taking so long, she asked if
he had peeked at the dinner table. After assuring her he had not
peeked, she removed the blindfold and yelled, "SURPRISE!!!"
To his shock and horror, there were twelve dinner guests seated
around the table for his surprise birthday party.
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*Please forgive me, for not replying to every one of your lovely images-Problems with my hands is making it difficult*
Dunstickin's Gallery
These just rock guys. I'm not going to tell them to anyone though I will spoil them.
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I'm so slow, when life passes by, I never get a chance to live it.
A Catholic Priest, A precipitation minister, and a Rabbi meet every Thursday for breakfast.
They would talk about there flock all the time.
Well one day the precipitation minister place a bet that he could go out into the wilderness and convert a Bear.
They all looked at each other and agreed that they will all three go out and try to convert a bear to religion. They decided that the one’s that lost will give a donation to the others religion.
Well the Precipitation went out first and found a bear and tried to convert him. He went up to the bear and started preaching fire and brimstone. The bear became fed up with his ranting and attracted him,
The priest out of desperation ran into a river, hit the bear with his bible and said dear Lord save me and covert this dammed beast, the bear calmed down and knelt
and prayed.
He then returned to the Thursday breakfast a little beaten up and bruised and recounted his story.
The Rabbi and the Catholic Priest looked at each other out of disbelief. The Catholic Priest decided if he can do I can also.
The Priest went out on that Saturday to find a bear after awhile he came across a feeding bear. He walked up to the bear thinking this was going to be easy, after all if a Precipitation could save a bear surly a Catholic can.
Well needles to say the bear was a little upset to be disturbed while he was eating, and chased the Priest striking him from behind. Luckily the priest could pulled out his bottle of holy water and baptize the bear just before he delivered a deadly blow. The bear then calmed down and went to sleep.
That Thursday at breakfast they met and saw that the Catholic Priest was rather beaten up. He told him his story and about how his near death with the bear until he pulled out his bottle of holly water and baptized the bear.
The other two gasped in disbelief.
Well a few weeks went by and the Catholic Priest and the Precipitation Minister had not seen the Rabbi for breakfast and began to worry. So they went to the synagogue and asked about the Rabbi.
They where told he was in the hospital.
They went to the hospital to see him and they saw that he was in terrible condition.
They asked what happened.
He looked up in pain with a look of absolute fear and said I guess I should have not started with a circumcision.
I know but I thought it was cute and that all could enjoy it.