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Discussion Board -> Off Topic -> Make us laugh

Make us laugh

::speedy_10
04/12/07 9:24 AM GMT
Or groan :P

Post any funny or particularly bad joke, pun, experience here and make us laugh :D
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| My Gallery | Yummers, triple choc supreme cookie *drools* | Feel free to add me on MySpace here

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::Papi11on
04/12/07 9:34 PM GMT
You can. You just think you can't. Argue for your limitations and sure enough they're yours.
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::purmusic
04/12/07 11:28 PM GMT
How come women can have babies and I can't? :o|
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The real voyage of discovery consists not in seeking new landscapes, but in having new eyes. - Marcel Proust
::gloopical
04/12/07 11:45 PM GMT
You can if you really believe in yourself. Just keep pushing, and something will come out.
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I wish I was a glow worm, a glow worm's never glum. How can you be gloomy when the sun shines out your bum? *runs off into distance giggling*
::purmusic
04/12/07 11:58 PM GMT
I am not sure, so I am seeking clarification here, that's all.

Breaks are allowed during this child bearing thing, right?

Feeling a bit peckish at the moment. :o|

Would you be a dear and get me some fish and chips? And grab a couple of Cadbury Star Bars on the way too.

Just in case ... you know, I get hungry again when the next break rolls around that is. :o)
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The real voyage of discovery consists not in seeking new landscapes, but in having new eyes. - Marcel Proust
::Papi11on
04/13/07 2:03 AM GMT
Clarification needed? Try here
Discussion on it HERE
Cookie cravings? Try here
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+Samatar
04/13/07 2:30 AM GMT
"How come women can have babies and I can't? :o|"

"You can if you really believe in yourself. Just keep pushing, and something will come out."

Uh... bags NOT nursing Les's "baby"...
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-Everyone is entitled to my opinion- rescope.com.au
::kidder
04/13/07 2:46 AM GMT
Horse walks into a bar.. the bartender says "Why the long face?"
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IF WE CANNOT LIVE SO AS TO BE HAPPY, let us at least live so as to deserve it! VISIT MY GALLERY
::kidder
04/13/07 2:56 AM GMT
A man meets a friend for dinner at a very nice club. As he enters the club he is stopped by the host who says "I'm sorry sir but we require a coat and tie be worn here." The man returns to his car and comes back wearing a coat. He is stopped at the door again by the host who says "The coat is acceptable sir, but you still must wear a tie also!" The man returns to his car again, but all he can find is a pair of jumper cables. He puts them around his neck ties them in a knot and returns to the club wearing the jumper cables. As he approaches once more the host studies him carefully and after a few tense moments finally says "Well...I guess those will work for a tie..but don't try to start anything!"
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IF WE CANNOT LIVE SO AS TO BE HAPPY, let us at least live so as to deserve it! VISIT MY GALLERY
::LynEve
04/13/07 4:34 AM GMT
WIFE: "Let me ask you a question"

HUSBAND: "Oh, Lord, let's not do this"

WIFE: "What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?"

HUSBAND: "Definitely not!"

WIFE: "Why not - don't you like being married?"

HUSBAND: "Of course I do."

WIFE: "Then why wouldn't you remarry?"

HUSBAND: "Okay, I'd get married again."

WIFE: "You would? (with a hurtful look on her face)."

HUSBAND: (makes audible groan).

WIFE: "Would you live in our house?"

HUSBAND: "Sure, it's a great house."

WIFE: "Would you sleep with her in our bed?"

HUSBAND: "Where else would we sleep?"

WIFE: "Would you let her drive my car?"

HUSBAND: "Probably, it is almost new."

WIFE: "Would you replace my pictures with hers?"

HUSBAND: "That would seem like the proper thing to do."

WIFE: "Would she use my golf clubs?"

HUSBAND: "No, she's left-handed."

WIFE: - - - silence - -





So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up, and he said,

"You've been promoted."

And I swerved.

And then he rang up a second time and said, "You've been promoted again."

And I swerved again.

He rang up a third time and said, "You're managing director."

And I went into a tree.

And a policeman came up and said, "What happened to you?"

And I said, "I careered off the road."
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The question is not what you look at, but what you see ~ Marcel Proust
::mimi
04/13/07 5:54 AM GMT
My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.
My wife asks, "Do you know her?"
"Yes," I sighed, "She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since."
"Good grief!" says my wife, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating for that long?"
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~mimi~
::Papi11on
04/13/07 10:38 AM GMT
Dan, Lyn and Mimi
LOL. Some really funny jokes posted here! Do please keep them coming. A good laugh really brightens the day.

And with a bit of luck, we just might retain ONE thread in this Offtopic section that has greater appeal to adult members than to the juveniles.

-------------------------------------------------------------
TODAY'S JOKE:

Know how to solve a mid-life...

When I was married 25 years, I took a look at my wife one day and said, "Honey, 25 years ago, we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10-inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 25 year old blonde. Now, we have a nice house, nice car, big bed and plasma screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 50 year old woman. It seems to me that you are not holding up your side of things."

My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a
hot 25 year old blonde, and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car, sleeping on a sofa bed and watching a 10-inch black and white TV.

Aren't women great? They really know how to solve a mid-life crisis.
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::kidder
04/13/07 6:32 PM GMT
A blonde's car gets a flat tire on the Interstate one day, so she eases it onto the shoulder of the road. She carefully steps out of the car and opens the trunk. She takes out two cardboard men, unfolds them and stands them at the rear of the vehicle, facing oncoming traffic. The lifelike men are in trenchcoats, exposing their nude bodies to approaching drivers. Not surprisingly, the traffic became snarled and backed up. It was not very long before a police car arrives. The officer, clearly enraged, approaches the blonde of the disabled vehicle yelling, "What's going on here?" "My car broke down officer"..says the woman calmly. "Well, what are these obscene cardboard pictures doing by the side of the road?"..asks the officer. "Oh, those are my emergency flashers!" :)
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IF WE CANNOT LIVE SO AS TO BE HAPPY, let us at least live so as to deserve it! VISIT MY GALLERY
::zorrofox
04/13/07 7:48 PM GMT
Jesus wus gettin' nailed tae the cross and his persecutors said "Any last requests?". Jesus said, "Aye, keep yer hauns aff ma Easter Eggs, I'll be back on Sunday!"
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::Papi11on
04/13/07 11:08 PM GMT
The Definitive Guide to the Difference Between Men & Women
****************************************************************
NICKNAMES

If Laura, Suzanne, Debra and Rose go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Suzanne, Debra and Rose.

If Mike, Charlie, Bob and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla, Peanut-Head and Scrappy

EATING OUT

When the bill arrives, Mike, Charlie, Bob and John will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller, and none will actually admit they want change back.

When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

MONEY

A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he wants.

A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't want.

BATHROOMS

A man has six items in his bathroom: a toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn.

The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.

ARGUMENTS

A woman has the last word in any argument.

Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

CATS

Women love cats.

Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.

FUTURE

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.

A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

SUCCESS

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.

A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

MARRIAGE

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.

A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change and she does.

DRESSING UP

A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.

A man will dress up for weddings and funerals

NATURAL

Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.

Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

OFFSPRING

Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.

A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.
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::kidder
04/14/07 5:36 PM GMT
A big city corporate lawyer runs a stop sign in a small town in Tennessee,
and gets pulled over by a sheriff's deputy. He thinks that he is smarter
than this hick town deputy because he is a Lawyer and is certain that he has
a better education. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at
the deputy's expense.

Deputy says, "License and registration, please."

Lawyer says, "What for?"

Deputy says, "Y'all didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign."

Lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming."

Deputy says, "You still didn't come to a complete Stop. License and
registration, please."

Lawyer says, "What's the difference?"

Deputy says, "The difference is, y'all have to come to complete stop, that's
the law. License and registration, please!"

Lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and
stop, I'll give you my license and registration; and you can give me the
ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket."

Deputy says, "sounds fair.

Exit your vehicle, sir." At this point, the deputy takes out his nightstick
and starts beating the ever-loving crap out of the lawyer and says, "Do
y'all want me to stop or just slow down?"
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IF WE CANNOT LIVE SO AS TO BE HAPPY, let us at least live so as to deserve it! VISIT MY GALLERY
::kidder
04/15/07 4:30 PM GMT
Did you hear about the farmer, his horse, dog, and wagon full of grain as they were traveling along the highway? They were struck head on by a car, giving the farmer severe and permanent injuries.
When the case came to court, the lawyer defending the man driving the car asked the farmer,"Isn't it true that immediately after the accident a passer-by came over to you and asked how you felt?"
"Yes, I remember that," replied the farmer.
"And didn't you tell him that you never felt better in your life?" Asked the lawyer.
The farmer said," I guess I did." And the defense lawyer said, "No further questions."
On cross exam, the farmer's attorney asked, "Will you please tell the jury the circumstances in which you made that response?"
"Yes," the farmer said. "Immediately after the accident, my horse had two broken legs and was neighing and kicking. The passerby who came along was the deputy sheriff. He put his revolver to my horse's ear and shot him dead. Then he went over to my dog that had a broken back and was yelping. He put his gun to my dogs ear and shot him dead. Finally he came over to me and asked, "How do you feel?" I said I never felt better in my life!"
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IF WE CANNOT LIVE SO AS TO BE HAPPY, let us at least live so as to deserve it! VISIT MY GALLERY
::Druology
04/15/07 7:44 PM GMT
wanna laugh? look @ my avatar. ;D
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::gloopical
04/15/07 8:36 PM GMT
*screams* OH MY GOD, TOM CRUISE!!!

*runs away*
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I wish I was a glow worm, a glow worm's never glum. How can you be gloomy when the sun shines out your bum? *runs off into distance giggling*
::Druology
04/15/07 9:09 PM GMT
Tom Cruise? it's michael jackson D:
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::gloopical
04/15/07 9:19 PM GMT
I know, just kidding. That looks nothing like Tom Cruise, just thought I'd say somebody else.
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I wish I was a glow worm, a glow worm's never glum. How can you be gloomy when the sun shines out your bum? *runs off into distance giggling*
::Papi11on
04/15/07 9:34 PM GMT
Two priests decided to go to Hawaii on vacation. They were determined to make this a real vacation by not wearing anything that would identify them as clergy.

As soon as the plane landed they headed for a store and bought some really outrageous shorts, shirts, sandals, sunglasses, etc. The next morning they went to the beach dressed in their "tourist" garb.

They were sitting on beach chairs, enjoying a drink, the sunshine and the scenery when a "drop dead gorgeous" topless blonde in a thong bikini came walking straight towards them.

They couldn't help but stare.

As the busty blonde passed them she smiled and said, "Good Morning, Father. Good Morning, Father," nodding and addressing each of them individually, then she passed on by. They were both stunned.

How in the world did she know they were priests?

So the next day, they went back to the store and bought even more outrageous outfits. These were so loud you could hear them before you even saw them!

Once again, in their new attire, they settled on the beach in their chairs to enjoy the sunshine.

After a while, the same gorgeous topless blonde, wearing a different colored thong, taking her sweet time, came walking toward them.

Again she nodded at each of them, said, "Good morning, Father. Good Morning, Father," and started to walk away.

One of the priests couldn't stand it any longer and said, "Just a minute, young lady."

"Yes, Father?"

"We are priests and proud of it, but I have to know, how in the world do you know we are priests, dressed as we are?"

She replied, "Father, it's me, Sister Mary Kathryn."
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::kidder
04/17/07 2:22 AM GMT
There was a captain of a sailing ship who, when engaged in battle with the enemy, would ask his young steward to go to his quarters and bring him the "red shirt". Before every battle, the captain would ask this of him. It had always puzzled the steward, so one day he built up the courage to ask the captain. "Sir, why before every battle do you summons me to fetch the "red shirt"? The captain replied, "I wear the red shirt during battle because if I should become wounded, the men will not be able to see my blood, thus they will continue to fight hard believing their captain is invincible!" The steward thought this made sense and on they sailed. A few days later on watch, the steward spots five enemy vessels through his telescope, all larger than theirs, sailing straight for them. Frantically, the steward calls out to the captain, "Sir there are five enemy vessels headed straight our way, shall I fetch the "red shirt"? "No, replied the captain, I think you should fetch the "brown pants". :P
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IF WE CANNOT LIVE SO AS TO BE HAPPY, let us at least live so as to deserve it! VISIT MY GALLERY
::Papi11on
04/17/07 4:15 PM GMT
There is a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys. The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms.

Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00am.

The next day at 8:45am there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door. The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new employee.

He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule.

The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the two men march down to the factory floor. When they get there, the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmos all over the factory floor and they're really beginning to pile up.

At the end of the line stands Lena surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmos. She has a roll of plush red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles.

The two men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs.

The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter. After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches Lena.

"I'm sorry," he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, "but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday..."

"Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles."
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::kidder
04/21/07 2:53 AM GMT
A woman awakens during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought,just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.

"What's the matter dear?" She whispers as she steps into the room, "Why are you down here at this time of night?" The husband looks up from his coffee, "I am just remembering when we first met 20 years ago and started dating. You were only 16. Do you remember back then?" he says solemnly. The wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is caring, so sensitive. "Yes,I do" she replies. The husband pauses. The words were not coming easily. "Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?" "Yes, I remember," said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.
The husband continues. "Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, "Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years?"
"I remember that too" she replies softly.
He wipes another tear from his cheek and says...
"I would have gotten out today." :)
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IF WE CANNOT LIVE SO AS TO BE HAPPY, let us at least live so as to deserve it! VISIT MY GALLERY
::speedy_10
04/21/07 5:53 AM GMT
What's green and goes up and down?

A pea in an elevator :)

*hears the crowd groan*
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| My Gallery | Yummers, triple choc supreme cookie *drools* | Feel free to add me on MySpace here
::mimi
04/21/07 6:27 AM GMT
"Hello, is this the FBI?"
"Yes. What do you want?"
"I'm calling to report about my neighbor Billy Bob Smith! He is hiding marijuana inside his firewood."
"Thank you very much for the call, sir."
The next day, the FBI agents descend on Billy Bob's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They swore at Billy Bob and left.
The phone rings at Billy Bob's house.
"Hey Billy Bob! Did the FBI come?"
"Yeah!"
"Did they chop your firewood?"
"Yep."
"Merry Christmas Buddy" ;=)
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~mimi~
::speedy_10
04/23/07 11:34 AM GMT
Guees what? I clogged up the sink on holidays with vomit ;)
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| My Gallery | Yummers, triple choc supreme cookie *drools* | Feel free to add me on MySpace here
::DigiCamMan
04/24/07 9:01 AM GMT
Make you laugh? OK...pull my finger.
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I would rather live my life as if there is a God and die to find out there isn't, than live my life as if there isn't and die to find out there is. Albert Camus ........ My Gallery
::gloopical
04/25/07 7:19 AM GMT
*pulls finger, finger comes off*

... Mum... I did it again...
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I wish I was a glow worm, a glow worm's never glum. How can you be gloomy when the sun shines out your bum? *runs off into distance giggling*
::speedy_10
04/26/07 7:00 AM GMT
*loud obnoxious and fatal noises a heard from miles around*

O.o O.O o.O

Better clean that up Jerry, or i'll put it on your PERMANENT RECORD!!
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| My Gallery | Yummers, triple choc supreme cookie *drools* | Feel free to add me on MySpace here
CurtieBear
04/26/07 10:03 AM GMT
Mums Are Great...

A young man called Paul invited his mother for dinner, during the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how handsome Paul's flatmate, Simon, was.
She had long been suspicious of a relationship between the two, and this only made her more curious.

Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Paul and his flatmate than met the eye.

Reading his mums thoughts, Paul volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Simon & I are just flatmates". About a week later, Simon came to Paul saying, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the frying pan, you don't suppose she took it do you?"

"Well I doubt it, but I'll email her just to be sure" said Paul.
So he sat down and wrote:

DEAR MOTHER,
I'M NOT SAYING THAT YOU "DID" TAKE THE FRYING PAN FROM MY HOUSE, I'M NOT SAYING THAT YOU "DID NOT" TAKE THE FRYING PAN, BUT THE FACT REMAINS THAT IT HAS BEEN MISSING EVER SINCE YOU WERE HERE FOR DINNER.

LOVE PAUL

Several days later, Paul received an email from his mother which read:

DEAR SON,

I'M NOT SAYING THAT YOU "DO" SLEEP WITH SIMON, AND I'M NOT SAYING THAT YOU "DO NOT" SLEEP WITH SIMON, BUT THE FACT REMAINS THAT IF HE WAS SLEEPING IN HIS OWN BED, HE WOULD HAVE FOUND THE FRYING PAN BY NOW.

LOVE MUM
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I always try to balance the light with the heavy - a few tears of human spirit in with the sequins and the fringes ~ Bette Midler ~ :o)
.timw4mail
04/26/07 10:36 AM GMT
AHEM, Curt, read the rest of the thread...
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"But shun profane and vain babblings: for they will increase unto more ungodliness." - 2 Timothy 2:16 (KJV) <- -> Timothy J. Warren | My homepage|My Forum| My Gallery| My DeviantArt Gallery| AIM: aviat4ion
.Jhihmoac
04/27/07 1:12 PM GMT
VODKA AND THE PULPIT

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass, he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied, “ When I am worried about getting nervous
while I am presenting the Sunday Sermon at the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get edgy, I take a sip.”

The next Sunday, the new priest took the monsignor's advice.

At the beginning of the sermon, the priest got nervous and took a drink. He felt much more at ease and proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon return to his office after mass, he found the following note on the door:


1) First, SIP the vodka… don't GULP.
2) Adam ate of the forbidden fruit…not “chowwed down on a bad apple”.
3) The name of the enemy of God is Satan, and not “The Dork with the Fork”.
4) Moses led his people from out of the bondage of Pharaoh…not “Moses swiped the clan from the man”.
5) There are 10 commandments, not 12.
6) There were 12 disciples, and not 10.
7) Jesus was CONSECRATED, not constipated.
8) Jacob wagered his donkey… he did not “bet his ass”.
9) We do not refer to Jesus Christ as “The Late, Great J.C.”.
10) The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as “Daddy, Junior, and The Spook”.
11) David slew Goliath… he did not “kick his butt royal”.
12) When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, we don't say he was “stoned off his ass”.
13) We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T".
14) When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said, "Take this bread and eat it, for this is my body”. He did not say, " Bite me".
15) We refer to the Holy Sacraments as unleavened bread, and wine…and not “hooch and crackers”.
16) On the day of his crucifixion, Jesus said, “Father, forgive them, for they know not what they do”… He did not say, “Cut ‘em a break, Pop, ‘cause they can’t see where their heads are at”.
17) Jesus in Heaven is described as sitting at the right hand of God, and not “hangin’ out with the homies and the Man Upstairs”.
18) The Virgin Mary is not called, “Mary whom had nary”.
19) The recommended grace before a meal is, “For what we are about to receive, we give thee thanks, Oh Lord”, and not, “Rub-A-Dub-Dub… thanks for the grub… Yahee God!”
20) Oh, and one more thing…Next Sunday, there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's… not a peter pulling contest at St.Taffy’s!
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"Let us forever cherish and hold sacred these moments...for it is our undoing ...should we forget..." -William Shakespeare ... Visit Jhihmoac's Gallery
.westhamfan91
04/27/07 8:59 PM GMT
A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is Politics?"

Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the head of the family, so call me The President. Your mother is the administrator of the money, so we call her the Government. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the People. The nanny, we'll consider her the Working Class. And your baby brother, we'll call him the Future. Now think about that and see if it makes sense."

So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. So the little boy goes to his parent's room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room and finds his Daddy in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed.

The next morning, with everyone at the breakfast table, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now."

The father says, "Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about."

The little boy replies, "The President is screwing the Working Class while the Government is sound asleep. The People are being ignored and the Future is in deep s**t."
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I love Gemma *hugs*
::speedy_10
05/04/07 10:34 AM GMT
^ That, is the most truthful way of putting it.
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| My Gallery | Yummers, triple choc supreme cookie *drools* | Feel free to add me on MySpace here
::gloopical
05/04/07 8:49 PM GMT
Hear hear.

*drinks to... that...*
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I wish I was a glow worm, a glow worm's never glum. How can you be gloomy when the sun shines out your bum? *runs off into distance giggling*
::third_eye
05/04/07 8:59 PM GMT
*drinks*
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::speedy_10
05/09/07 9:02 AM GMT
*spits out his teeth*

Why ... did i do that
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| My Gallery | Yummers, triple choc supreme cookie *drools* | Feel free to add me on MySpace here
::purmusic
05/13/07 8:31 PM GMT
*tickles everyone*

Wait for it ... it'll come to you. :oP
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"Sometimes me think what is love, and then me think love is what last cookie is for. Me give up the last cookie for you." - Cookie Monster
::gloopical
05/13/07 8:37 PM GMT
That isn't funny.

Oh, wait... I get it now.

*roflcopter*

Just a little quote...

"Two is company; three is the result." - Anonymous
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I wish I was a glow worm, a glow worm's never glum. How can you be gloomy when the sun shines out your bum? *runs off into distance giggling*
.Sky_Lord
05/13/07 9:06 PM GMT
If the P.E.T.A. people want all of us to not eat meat, then what will the Eskimos eat?
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Want to be debt free? then, act your wage.
::purmusic
05/13/07 9:11 PM GMT
Hmm ... good question.

... ... ...


... ... ...

Had to think on that one ... I ... gotz nothin'. :o|

Ok, got something for the thread though ... silly lawsuits. :oD

THE PLANTIFF: Donald Drusky

THE DEFENDANT: "God the sovereign ruler of the Universe"

WHAT HAPPENED: In 1999 the 63-year-old Drusky filed suit against God for "taking no corrective action" against an ex-employer who fired him 30 years earlier. He demanded that "God must grant him guitar playing skills and resurrect either his pet pigeon or his mother."

THE VERDICT: Dursky claimed that since God didn't show up for court, he won by default. The judge declared the suit "frivolous."
0∈ [?]
"Sometimes me think what is love, and then me think love is what last cookie is for. Me give up the last cookie for you." - Cookie Monster
::speedy_10
05/16/07 6:40 AM GMT
"i still look better in a black suit that a white frilly one" - some crazy guy

it helps if you ignore me sometimes :)
0∈ [?]
| My Gallery | Yummers, triple choc supreme cookie *drools* | Feel free to add me on MySpace here
::purmusic
05/16/07 10:00 AM GMT
LOLOL.

Ok then ... some more crazy lawsuits:

Kenmore Inc., the makers of Dorothy Johnson's microwave, were found not liable for the death of Mrs. Johnson's poodle after she gave it a bath and attempted to dry it by putting the poor creature in her microwave for, "just a few minutes, on low."

The case was quickly dismissed.
0∈ [?]
"Sometimes me think what is love, and then me think love is what last cookie is for. Me give up the last cookie for you." - Cookie Monster
::laurengary
05/31/07 4:31 AM GMT
Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Person asked a young Engineer fresh out of MIT, "And what starting salary were you looking for?"

The Engineer said, "In the neighbourhood of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package."

The interviewer said, "Well, what would you say to a package of 5-weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every 2 years say, a red Corvette?"

The Engineer sat up straight and said, "Wow! Are you kidding?"

And the interviewer replied, "Yeah, but you started it."
0∈ [?]
I've got amnesia & deja vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before ! ......CLICK TO SAVE LIVES ! .......MY GALLERY
&philcUK
08/10/07 10:34 AM GMT
Whats the difference between PMT & BSE?

One attacks a cows brain and sends it completely mental,

The other is an agricultural problem.

;-)
0∈ [?]
A smart bomb is only as clever as the idiot that tells it what to do
::animaniactoo
08/10/07 11:14 AM GMT
*KICKS PHIL REALLY REALLY HARD*
0∈ [?]
One man sees things and says "why?" - but I dream things that never were and I say "why not?"
&philcUK
08/10/07 2:14 PM GMT
admit it - you laughed when you read it :-)
0∈ [?]
A smart bomb is only as clever as the idiot that tells it what to do
::animaniactoo
08/10/07 3:44 PM GMT
well… no… cuz I 1st heard it 2 years or so ago. But if we're goin down that road, I've got one back for ya:

How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?

Nobody knows, it hasn't happened yet.
0∈ [?]
One man sees things and says "why?" - but I dream things that never were and I say "why not?"
&philcUK
08/10/07 4:12 PM GMT
hey - if we are taking a trot down sexist gag memory lane - here's some oldies but goldies......

Q: How many women does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None, they just sit there in the dark and bitch.

Q. How many sexists does it take to change a lightbulb?
A. None, let the old girl cook in the dark.

How Dogs and Women are Alike
1. both look silly in hats
2. both can eat 5 pounds of chocolate in one sitting
3. both tend to have "hip" problems
4. neither understand football
5. both look good in fur
6. both pretend to listen to every word you say
7. both constantly want back rubs
8. neither can balance a checkbook
9. both put too much value on kissing
10. both can damage valuables if you leave them alone too long


25 Rules That Guys Wished Women Knew

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.
2. Learn to work the toilet seat, if it is up, put it down.
3. Don't cut your hair. Never. Ever.
4. Sometimes we're not thinking about you. Live with it.
5. Get rid of your cat.
6. Sunday = sports.
7. Anything you wear is fine. Really.
8. Women wearing Wonder bras and low-cut blouses lose their right to complain about having their boobs stared at.
9. You have too many shoes.
10. Crying is blackmail.
11. Ask for what you want. Subtle hints don't work.
12. Mark anniversaries on a calendar.
13. Yes, going to the bathroom standing up is more difficult than from point blank range. We're bound to miss sometimes.
14. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers.
15. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
16. Don't fake it. We'd rather be ineffective than deceived.
17. Anything we said 6 or 8 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
18. If you don't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.
19. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad and angry, we probably meant the other one.
20. Let us ogle. If we don't look at other women, how can we know how pretty you are?
21. Don't rub the lamp if you don't want the genie to come out.
22. You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it done - not both.
23. Christopher Columbus didn't need directions, and neither do we.
24. You have enough clothes.
0∈ [?]
A smart bomb is only as clever as the idiot that tells it what to do
::animaniactoo
08/10/07 5:11 PM GMT
Why you! Just you wait til I get home where the collection of men vs women joke e-mails resides! (and remember - YOU STARTED IT).

In the meantime…

Dogs and Women:
1) - Depends on the hat - for the woman that is - all dog clothing is silly in my book
2) Dogs can't eat chocolate, it's like poison to them.
3) - ?
4) - Funnily enough women are more likely to watch the Superbowl than men among most of the people I know.
5) - Okay - you can buy me a fur (a top-notch fake please)
6) - Well if you'd talk about things that make SENSE, we'd be more inclined to listen.
7) - There's a problem w/this?
8) - Who needs to balance a checkbook? Just log on and check the balance.
9) - *shakes head sadly*
10 - Exactly which valuables are we talking about? 8•P

25 Rules:
1) Agreed - except for those with eating disorders…
2) Vice versa to you too tyvm.
3) Okay, but you get to hold the blow dryer for an hour every day and spend 15 minutes brushing it out before I get in the shower
4) Duh.
5) 8•( Who would wanna get rid of me?
6) *rolls eyes*
7) Yeah right.
8) Semi-agreed
9) Do not.
10) Amend that to "excessive" please
11) Agreed
12) Agreed
13) I don't have a problem w/that - just so long as you clean up after yourself and don't ask ME to do it or witness it.
14) Agreed
15) Agreed
16) Noted
17) Hell no. Anything you say can and will be used against you FOREVER.
18) Agreed
19) Uh huh
20) NP. I drool @ other men too.
21) Agreed
22) As long as you do it right, it doesn't matter does it?
23) *SNICKER* I'm really good @ letting you fall on your face on that one. Carry on!
24) Do not!!!!!
0∈ [?]
One man sees things and says "why?" - but I dream things that never were and I say "why not?"
&philcUK
08/10/07 5:49 PM GMT
Another personal fave is the chemical analysis of women....


Element : Woman
Symbol : Wo
Atomic Weight : Accepted as 118, but known to vary 105-175.
Discoverer : Adam
Occurrence : Copious quantities in all Urban areas, with slightly lower concentrations in Suburban and Rural areas. Subject to seasonal fluctuations.

Physical Properties :
a) Surface usually covered with painted film.
b) Boils at nothing, freezes without reason.
c) Melts if given special treatment.
d) Bitter if used incorrectly. Can cause headaches. Handle with care!
e) Found in various states; ranging from virgin metal to common ore.
f) Yields to pressure applied to correct points.

Chemical Properties :
a) Has great affinity for Gold, Silver, Platinum and many precious stones.
b) Absorbs great quantities of expensive substances.
c) May explode spontaneously if left alone on dates.
d) Insoluble in liquids, but there is increased activity when saturated in alcohol to a certain point.
e) Repels cheap material. Neutral to common sense.
f) Most powerful money reducing agent known to Man.

Uses :
a) Highly ornamental, especially in sports cars.
b) Can greatly improve relaxation levels.
c) Can warm and comfort under some circumstances.
d) Can cool things down when it's too hot.

Tests :
a) Pure specimen turns rosy pink when discovered in natural state.
b) Turns green when placed beside a better specimen.

Caution :
a) Highly dangerous except in experienced hands. Use extreme care when handling.
b) Illegal to possess more than one.
0∈ [?]
A smart bomb is only as clever as the idiot that tells it what to do
&philcUK
08/10/07 6:00 PM GMT
Oh and yes kids – the cat is correct – don’t go giving your dog ANY chocolate product unless you are sure it is a chocolate substitute that doesn’t contain theobromine.
0∈ [?]
A smart bomb is only as clever as the idiot that tells it what to do
::solita17
08/10/07 6:54 PM GMT
Ummm, if "a smart bomb is only as clever as the idiot that tells it what to do", and men are the only ones who tell it what to do... then logic dictates that all men are idiots...;-)))
mary
0∈ [?]
"If I dream I shall be real, or really myself..." Robert Penn Warren
&philcUK
08/10/07 7:35 PM GMT
yes there are absolutely no women in the military or positions of power whatsoever. wise words indeed.
0∈ [?]
A smart bomb is only as clever as the idiot that tells it what to do
::animaniactoo
08/10/07 8:33 PM GMT
Give us time, it'll take awhile to straighten out the mess you guys left behind.

I mean… you expect us to clean in one day what took you centuries to do?
0∈ [?]
One man sees things and says "why?" - but I dream things that never were and I say "why not?"
&philcUK
08/10/07 8:40 PM GMT
now you really are having a larrff! :-) I'd say the likes of Eliza Manningham-Buller & Condy Rice have made plenty of mess already :-)
0∈ [?]
A smart bomb is only as clever as the idiot that tells it what to do
&philcUK
08/10/07 8:44 PM GMT
that and the fact most of the earliest recorded warlords in history were women - centuries of mess indeed....
0∈ [?]
A smart bomb is only as clever as the idiot that tells it what to do
::animaniactoo
08/10/07 8:50 PM GMT
Uh huh… and you know why Moses spent 40 years wandering in the desert don't you?

Cuz he wouldn't stop to ask for directions!
0∈ [?]
One man sees things and says "why?" - but I dream things that never were and I say "why not?"
&philcUK
08/10/07 9:08 PM GMT
or he just wanted some peace and quiet ;-)
0∈ [?]
A smart bomb is only as clever as the idiot that tells it what to do
::solita17
08/10/07 11:33 PM GMT
Condy just does what her boss tells her to... he's a man... with his finger on a BIG dirty bomb...

who are these early female warlords? They weren't in any of my history books, typically written by... men. :-)))
0∈ [?]
"If I dream I shall be real, or really myself..." Robert Penn Warren
&philcUK
08/10/07 11:40 PM GMT
well condy had a life before her current job albeit a covert NSA life. Female warriors? - take your pick there are so many but here's a few for you:

A'ishah Bint Abi Bakr, Jeanne d'Arc, Queen of Aquitaine, Aahhotep I, Eleanor of Castile, Boudica, Marguerite de Provence, Florine of Denmark, Berengaria of Navarre, Hua Mu Lan, Septima Zenobia, Zabibi and Samsi of Arabia, Salaym Bint Malham, Aife of Alba, Empress Saimei , Maire o Ciaragain, Queen Tomyris, Graine Ni Maille, Dihya al-Kahina, Empress Wu Chao, Queen Mavia, Kogo Jingo, Pimiku, Amaron and Kenau Hasselaar.

what have we learnt from all this? buy better history books :-)
0∈ [?]
A smart bomb is only as clever as the idiot that tells it what to do
::solita17
08/11/07 12:51 AM GMT
You're joking... I hope. Berengaria was Lionheart's wife, not a warlord... Far from it, she was a pathetic figure in history who waited in vain for her husband to stop his incessant Crusade battles(!) and come home, which he never did. Now there was a warlord! Jeanne d'Arc had to pretend she was a man in order to be heard at all, and she was burned at the stake while still in her teens...Boudicca took over for her husband, a man, and was only temporarily successful against the Romans, hardly a candidate for centuries of mess, and besides, I thought she was a national heroine in Britain, or so the BBC channel lead me to believe. Eleanor of Aquitane did a little mischief, but she was imprisoned for at least 10 years by her husband. I have never heard of Aahhotep I... do you mean Hatshepsut? She was the one exception, besides Cleopatra, in three thousand years of Ancient Egyptian history, and her name and face were almost totally erased by her successor, a man. Eleanor of Castile accompanied her husband on his crusades, while he did the fighting... As for the rest... a mere handful compared to the legions of men down through history past and present. Shall I list some of the men? No, too many.

As for Condy... I didn't vote for her boss, who stole his first election. She's a neoconservative who works for a would-be fascist, and I have no use for her, and I make no excuses for her either.

At any rate this thread is allegedly about laughs, not running battles, so I'm throwing in the sponge. See you on a lighter thread! :-)))
0∈ [?]
"If I dream I shall be real, or really myself..." Robert Penn Warren
.speedy_10
08/11/07 4:56 AM GMT
*decides to let the topic run offtopic*
0∈ [?]
| My Gallery | Yummers, triple choc supreme cookie *drools* | Feel free to add me on MySpace here
&philcUK
08/11/07 12:35 AM GMT
Berengaria was indeed married to King Richard but it was only a political wedding and she neither saw him (except when she joined him on the crusades) or ever even set foot in Britain until after his death. I don’t see her character or her role in history as pathetic in any manner and I think she was more than fully aware which side her husband bread was buttered on rather than pining for his return. Both she and Eleanor are perhaps victims of western ‘scholars’ who are far more predisposed to view queens as nothing more than the wives of kings with gender-biased interpretations of their lives and their place in history.

Jeanne never disguised herself as a man or in any way tried to imply she was – her troops and her enemies all knew exactly who she was and she was tried and executed for heresy not for her military antics. She was however pardened posthumously several decades later by the then pope and eventually canonized in the last century.

Boudicca is indeed a national heroine and it seems odd to dismiss her achievements as merely ‘temporarily successful’. Prasutagus was little more than a puppet governor or ‘client king’ for the occupying Romans whereas his wife achieved political and military success amongst the Celtic tribes almost unique in the country’s history prior to that.

Aahhotep isn’t the same person as Hatshepsut, you’re off by about a century there. Aahhotep lead large armies in various civil battles over a couple of decades against Thebes in order to unify the country.

My use of the term warlord was meant in its literal historical context of describing a person with power who has de facto military control of an area due to armed forces loyal to the warlord and not the modern day interpretation of warlords as despots, bandits and dictators. Historically, warlords have existed both for the benefit of their people or for personal gain, either as heroes or villains of the piece – I didn’t mean it as a derogatory term.

My answer was merely acting as devils advocate to your assertion that women historically are the meek pacifist counterparts to their belligerent spouses. The concept is a relatively modern ideology in history and for the most part is restricted to western protestant revisionist history and in reality nothing could be further from the truth. Yes, there have been many more high profile male military historical figures but it seems odd to me that women will all to willingly buy into the pacifist myth in order to maintain it for some weird form validation. War is ALWAYS messy and for the most part unnecessary but to suggest that women have never been complicit in it is in itself demeaning to them in my opinion. Aside from some of the figures I mentioned, the worlds history is replete with many matriarchal warrior cultures and characters.

I didn’t intend my answer to your assertion as commencement of a running battle – we both live in societies today hell bent on restricting the history we teach our children, hell, moves are afoot here to block teaching schoolchildren about the world wars and accompanying genocides as it is ‘too depressing and children should only be taught positive aspect of life today and the future ahead of them’. I find discussing historical events – especially ancient ones – fascinating, and if we can’t drift offtopic here then where else can we :-)
0∈ [?]
A smart bomb is only as clever as the idiot that tells it what to do
.purmusic
08/11/07 1:20 PM GMT
*looks up and reads*

Methinks Phil should resurrect his blog.

My mom was the Head of the War Department, as my dad was known to say on occasion. :oP
0∈ [?]
"Sometimes me think what is love, and then me think love is what last cookie is for. Me give up the last cookie for you." - Cookie Monster
::animaniactoo
08/11/07 1:20 PM GMT
And… Neither Phil nor I have been serious about almost anything here… both of us have been poking fun @ each other and the established myths.

I thought we finally were having a lighthearted battle instead of the usual bitter ones that run through some of the forums… and enjoying the hell out of meself. More the merrier!

We now return you to your regularly scheduled mockery:

10 Reasons Why God Created Eve

10) God worried that Adam would be lost in the Garden of Eden because he
wouldn't ask for directions.

9) God knew that someday Adam would need someone to hand him the TV
remote. (Parenthetically, it has been noted that men don't want to see
what's ON TV; they want to see WHAT ELSE is on.)

8) God knew that Adam would never make a doctor's appointment.

7) God knew that when Adam's fig leaf wore out, he would never buy a new
one for himself.

6) God knew that Adam would not remember to take out the garbage.

5) God wanted man to be fruitful and multiply, but he knew Adam would
never be able to handle labor pains and childbirth.

4) As "keeper of the garden," Adam would need help in finding his tools.

3) Adam needed someone to blame for the Apple Incident, and for anything
else that was really his fault.

2) As the Bible says, "It is not good for man to be alone."

1) And the No. 1 reason of all (Tada, drum roll, fanfare, etc.): God
stepped back, looked at Adam, and declared, "I can do better than that."
0∈ [?]
One man sees things and says "why?" - but I dream things that never were and I say "why not?"
&philcUK
08/11/07 1:46 PM GMT
I think Eve ate the apple cos' the serpent told her she was looking a little heavy around the middle and it only had 50 calories in it :-)
0∈ [?]
A smart bomb is only as clever as the idiot that tells it what to do
.purmusic
08/11/07 1:58 PM GMT
Top Ten Reasons A Handgun is Better Than a ...

10 - You can trade an old .44 for two new .22s.

9 - You can keep one handgun at home and have another for when you're on the road.

8 - If you admire a friend's handgun, and tell him so, he will probably let you try it out a few times.

7 - Your primary handgun doesn't mind if you have a backup.

6 - Your handgun will stay with you even if you're out of ammo.

5 - A handgun doesn't take up a lot of closet space.

4 - Handguns function normally every day of the month.

3 - A handgun doesn't ask "Do these new grips make me look fat?"

2 - A handgun doesn't mind if you go to sleep after you use it.

And the number one reason a handgun is better than a woman? ... You can buy a silencer for a handgun.

*takes a reading of the I.Q. (I.nsensitivity Q.uotient ...) *

Wow ... off the scale. O.O

:oP
0∈ [?]
"Sometimes me think what is love, and then me think love is what last cookie is for. Me give up the last cookie for you." - Cookie Monster
::animaniactoo
08/11/07 4:01 PM GMT
1. Don't imagine you can change a man - unless he's
in diapers.

2. What do you do if your boyfriend walks out? You shut the door.

3. If they put a man on the moon - they should be able to put
them all up there.

4. Never let your man's mind wander - it's too little to be out
alone.

5. Go for the younger man. You might as well, they never mature
anyway.

6. Men are all the same - they just have different faces, so that
you can tell them apart.

7. Definition of a bachelor: a man who has missed the opportunity
to make some woman miserable.

8. Women don't make fools of men - most of them are the
do-it-yourself types.

9. Best way to get a man to do something is to suggest he is too
old for it.

10. Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.

11. If you want a committed man, look in a mental hospital.

12. The children of Israel wandered around the desert for 40 years.
Even in Biblical times, men wouldn't ask for directions.

13. If he asks what sort of books you're interested in, tell him
checkbooks.

14. Remember a sense of humor does not mean that you tell him
jokes, it means that you laugh at his.

15. Sadly, all men are created equal.
0∈ [?]
One man sees things and says "why?" - but I dream things that never were and I say "why not?"
&philcUK
08/11/07 4:11 PM GMT
Why Coffee Is Better Than Women

1. You don’t have to put cream in your coffee to make it taste good.

2. Coffee doesn’t complain when you put whipped cream in it.

3. A cup of coffee looks good in the morning.

4. You won’t fall asleep after a cup of coffee.

5. You can always warm coffee up.

6. Coffee comes with endless refills.

7. Coffee is cheaper.

8. You won’t get arrested for ordering coffee at 3 AM.

9. Coffee never runs out.

10. Coffee is out of your system by tomorrow morning.

11. You can take black coffee home to meet your parents.

12. You can make coffee as sweet as you want.

13. You can smoke while drinking coffee.

14. You can put out a cigarette in a cup of coffee.

15. Coffee smells and tastes good.

16. You don’t have to put vinegar in your coffee.

17. If your coffee pot leaks, you can use a regular paper towel.

18. You can always get fresh coffee.

19. You can turn the pot on, leave the room, and it’ll be hot when you get back.

20. They sell coffee at police stations.

21. You can always ditch a bad cup of coffee.

22. Coffee goes down easier.

23. If you put chocolate in your coffee, it doesn’t put on weight.

24. No matter how ugly you are, you can always get a cup of coffee.

25. A big cup or small cup? It doesn’t matter.

26. Your coffee doesn’t talk to you.

27. Coffee smells good in the morning.

28. Coffee is good when it’s cold too.

29. Coffee stains are easier to remove.

30. Coffee doesn’t care when you dunk things in it.

31. Coffee doesn’t care what kind of mood you’re in.

32. Coffee doesn’t shed.

33. Coffee is ready in 15 minutes or less.

34. You can’t get a cup of coffee pregnant by putting cream in it.

35. Coffee doesn’t mind being ground.

36. No matter how bad coffee is, you can always make it better.

37. Coffee doesn’t have a time of the month...it’s good all the time.

38. When coffee gets old, you can throw it away.

39. When you have a coffee, you don’t end up with a pube in the back of your throat.

40. Coffee doesn’t take up half your bed.

41. Coffee doesn’t mind if you wake up at 3 AM and decide to have a cup.

42. INSTANT COFFEE!

43. You can have an intelligent conversation with coffee.

44. It can take up to 2 weeks for coffee to grow mold.

45. Your coffee won’t be jealous of a larger cup.
0∈ [?]
A smart bomb is only as clever as the idiot that tells it what to do
&philcUK
08/11/07 4:14 PM GMT
How many women with PMS does it take to screw in a light bulb?

One. ONE!! And do you know WHY it only takes ONE? Because no one else in this house knows HOW to change a light bulb. They don’t even know the bulb is BURNED OUT. They would sit in this house in the dark for THREE DAYS before they figured it OUT. And once they figured it out they wouldn’t be able to find the light bulbs despite the fact that they’ve been in the SAME CUPBOARD for the past SEVENTEEN YEARS but if they did, by some miracle, actually find the light bulbs, TWO DAYS LATER the chair that they dragged from two rooms over to stand on to change the STUPID light bulb would STILL BE IN THE SAME SPOT!! AND UNDERNEATH IT WOULD BE THE CRUMPLED WRAPPER THE STUPID @*!#$% LIGHT BULBS CAME IN! WHY?! BECAUSE NO ONE IN THIS HOUSE EVER CARRIES OUT THE GARBAGE!! IT’S A WONDER WE HAVEN’T ALL SUFFOCATED FROM THE PILES OF GARBAGE THAT ARE 12 FEET DEEP THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE HOUSE. THE HOUSE!! IT WOULD TAKE AN ARMY TO CLEAN THIS... I’m sorry... what did you ask me?
0∈ [?]
A smart bomb is only as clever as the idiot that tells it what to do
&philcUK
08/11/07 4:15 PM GMT
Using The ATM...


HIS:

1. Pull up to ATM

2. Insert card

3. Enter PIN and account

4. Take cash, card and receipt

5. Drive away

HERS:

1. Pull up to ATM

2. Back up and pull forward to get closer

3. Shut off engine

4. Put keys in purse

5. Get out of car because you're too far from machine

6. Hunt for card in purse

7. Insert card

8. Hunt in purse for grocery receipt with PIN written on it.

9. Enter PIN

10. Study instructions.

11. Hit "cancel"

12. Re-enter correct PIN

13. Check balance

14. Look for envelope

15. Look in purse for pen

16. Make out deposit slip

17. Endorse checks

18. Make deposit

19. Study instructions

20. Make cash withdrawal

21. Get in car

22. Check makeup

23. Look for keys

24. Start car

25. Check makeup

26. Start pulling away

27. Stop

28. Back up to machine

29. Get out of car

30. Take card and receipt

31. Get back in car

32. Put card in wallet

33. Put receipt in checkbook

34. Enter deposits and withdrawals in checkbook

35. Clear area in purse for wallet and checkbook

36. Check makeup

37. Put car in reverse

38. Put car in drive

39. Drive away from machine

40. Drive 3 miles

41. Release parking brake
0∈ [?]
A smart bomb is only as clever as the idiot that tells it what to do
&philcUK
08/11/07 4:17 PM GMT
The Creation of Woman

One day, after a near eternity in the Garden of Eden, Adam calls out to God, "Lord, I have a problem."

"What’s the problem, Adam?" God replies.

"Lord, I know you created me and have provided for me and surrounded me with this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals, but I’m just not happy."

"Why is that, Adam?" comes the reply from the heavens.

"Lord, I know you created this place for me, with all this lovely food and all of the beautiful animals, but I am lonely."

"Well Adam, in that case I have the perfect solution. I shall create a ‘woman’ for you."

"What’s a ‘woman,’ Lord?"

"This ‘woman’ will be the most intelligent, sensitive, caring, and beautiful creature I have ever created. She will be so intelligent that she can figure out what you want before you want it. She will be so sensitive and caring that she will know your every mood and how to make you happy. Her beauty will rival that of the heavens and earth. She will unquestioningly care for your every need and desire. She will be the perfect companion for you," replies the heavenly voice.

"Sounds great."

"She will be, but this is going to cost you, Adam."

"How much will this ‘woman’ cost me Lord?" Adam replies.

"She’ll cost you a leg, an arm, an eye, an ear, and a testicle."

Adam ponders this for some time, with a look of deep thought and concern on his face. Finally Adam asks God, "Uh, what can I get for a rib?"
0∈ [?]
A smart bomb is only as clever as the idiot that tells it what to do
.purmusic
08/11/07 5:07 PM GMT
I predict that this thread will go into 'overflow' ... hmm, in about ... two more postings from Phil. :oD

Top 10 reasons women have sex

1. I was attracted to the person.

2. I wanted to experience physical pleasure.

3. It feels good.

4. I wanted to show my affection to the person.

5. I wanted to express my love for the person.

6. I was sexually aroused and wanted the release.

7. I was "horny."

8. It's fun.

9. I realised I was in love.

10. I was "in the heat of the moment."


Bottom 10 reasons men have sex

1. The person offered to give me drugs for doing it.

2. I wanted to give someone else a sexually transmitted disease.

3. I wanted to punish myself.

4. I wanted to break up my relationship.

5. I wanted to get a job.

6. It was an initiation rite

7. Someone offered me money

8. I was afraid to say "no" due to possibility of physical harm

9. To make money

10. To feel closer to God
0∈ [?]
"Sometimes me think what is love, and then me think love is what last cookie is for. Me give up the last cookie for you." - Cookie Monster
&philcUK
08/11/07 5:20 PM GMT
Les - I think that one works equally well transposed :-)
0∈ [?]
A smart bomb is only as clever as the idiot that tells it what to do
.purmusic
08/11/07 5:33 PM GMT
Annnnd ... rimshot. :oP

Believe it or not, those results came from an actual poll.
0∈ [?]
"Sometimes me think what is love, and then me think love is what last cookie is for. Me give up the last cookie for you." - Cookie Monster
&Crusader
08/11/07 6:37 PM GMT
Slightly dated, but still funny:

Beginners Guide to Computer Language

BIT : A word used to describe computers,as in 'Our son's computer cost quite a bit '
BOOT : What your friends give you because you spend too much time bragging about your computer skills
BUG : What your eyes do after you stare at the computer screen for more than 15 minutes. Also: what websites do to you after they get your name on their mailing lists
CHIP : The fattening, non-nutritional food computer users eat to avoid having to leave their keyboard for meals
COPY : What you have to do during school tests because you spend too much time at the computer and not enough time studying
CURSOR : What you turn into when you can't get your computer to perform, as in "You $#%&%$#%$% computer!"
DISK : What goes out in your back after bending over a computer keyboard for seven hours at a clip
DUMP : The place all your former hobbies wind up soon after you install your computer. ALSO: Refers to your apartment/house after you get addicted to a website/game and neglect to clean up.
ERROR : What you made the first time you walked into a computer showroom to 'just look'
EXPANSION UNIT : The new room you have to build on to your home to house your computer and all its peripherals
FILE : What your secretary can now do to her nails six and a half hours a day, now that the computer does her day's work in 30 minutes
FLOPPY : The condition of a constant computer user's stomach due to lack of exercise and a steady diet junk food ( see "Chips" )
HARDWARE : Tools,such as lawnmowers,rakes and other heavy equipment you haven't laid a finger on since getting your computer
IBM : The kind of missile your family members and friends would like to drop on your computers so you'll pay attention to them again
MENU : What you'll never see again after buying a computer because you'll be too poor to eat in a restaurant
MONITOR : Often thought to be a word associated with computers,this word actually refers to those obnoxious kids who always want to see your hall pass at school
PROGRAMS : Those things you used to look at on your television before you hooked your computer up to it
RAM : What you do to the side of your computer when it's not working properly
RETURN : What lots of people do with their computers after only a week and a half
TERMINAL : A place where you can find buses,trains and really good deals on hot computers
WINDOW : What you heave the computer out of after you accidentally erase a program that took you three days to set up
0∈ [?]
::third_eye
08/11/07 10:37 PM GMT
Forrest Gump for President! oh wait..three terms in a row isn't allowed...
0∈ [?]
::animaniactoo
08/12/07 12:07 AM GMT
lol.

Men are like ....... Laxatives ...... They irritate the crap out of you.

Men are like ........ Bananas ...... The older they get, the less firm they
are.

Men are like ........ Vacations .... They never seem to be long enough.

Men are like ........ Weather ..... Nothing can be done to change them.

Men are like ......... Blenders ..... You need one, but you're not quite sure
why.

Men are like ........ Chocolate Bars .... Sweet, smooth, & they usually head
right for your hips.

Men are like ........ Coffee ....... The best ones are rich, warm, & can keep
you up all night long.

Men are like ........ Commercials .... You can't believe a word they say.

Men are like ........ Department Stores ...... Their clothes are always 1/2
off.

Men are like ........ Government Bonds ....... They take soooooooo long to
mature.

Men are like ......... Mascara ..... They usually run at the first sign of
emotion.

Men are like ........ Popcorn ...... They satisfy you, but only for a little
while.

Men are like ........ Snowstorms .... You never know when they're coming,
how many inches you'll get or how long it will last.

Men are like ....... Lava Lamps ..... Fun to look at, but not very bright.

Men are like ........ Parking Spots .... All the good ones are taken, the
rest are handicapped
0∈ [?]
One man sees things and says "why?" - but I dream things that never were and I say "why not?"
::animaniactoo
08/12/07 12:03 AM GMT
Unrelated, but found while digging through all those old e-mails:

Sad news (Warning: Puns coming)

It is with the saddest heart that we must pass on the following news. Please join us in remembering a great icon of the entertainment community.
The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection and complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 71.
Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin. Dozens of celebrities turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs. Butterworth, Hungry Jack, the California Raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, and Captain Crunch. The gravesite was piled high with flours. Aunt Jemima delivered th eulogy and lovingly described Doughboy as a man who never knew how much he was kneaded.
Doughboy rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was not considered a very "smart" cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes. Despite being a little flaky at times, he still, as a crusty old man,
was considered a roll model for millions.
Doughboy is survived by his wife, Play Dough, two children, John Dough and Jane Dough: plus they had one in the oven. He is also survived by his elderly father, Pop Tart.
The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.
0∈ [?]
One man sees things and says "why?" - but I dream things that never were and I say "why not?"
&philcUK
08/12/07 1:01 PM GMT
Cat - i think we could carry on copy & pasting until the cows come home so we'd best call that one a no score draw :-)
0∈ [?]
A smart bomb is only as clever as the idiot that tells it what to do
::animaniactoo
08/12/07 3:39 PM GMT
*pretends that's your real reason and not the fact that you've almost run out of ammo*

okay 8•P
0∈ [?]
One man sees things and says "why?" - but I dream things that never were and I say "why not?"
.purmusic
08/16/07 10:12 PM GMT
I, on the other hand ... view Phils' non-response as an act of chivlary. :oP

Hey, how about that anime stuff on dA, eh? >:oD
0∈ [?]
"Sometimes me think what is love, and then me think love is what last cookie is for. Me give up the last cookie for you." - Cookie Monster
.laurengary
08/17/07 3:25 AM GMT
Even though Phil actually did have one funny joke in among all that drek, ( the PMS one was a hoot ! :D ) I've decided to ignore him for the time being & put this back on a funny track.

~*~*~*~*~*~

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack.

"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday."

Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager.

Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.

The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed. Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.

She finds the manager and says, " There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral."

She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?"

The bank manager looks back at her and says...

"It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan, His old man's a Rolling Stone."

~*~*~*~*~

Ta Da !!!! Thank you ... thank you ... *bows*.
0∈ [?]
I've got amnesia & deja vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before ! ......CLICK TO SAVE LIVES ! .......MY GALLERY
.purmusic
09/05/07 4:29 AM GMT
Three men are captured by wild men in a jungle. They are told they are going to be killed, and their hides will be used for skins to make boats for their people. The three men are English, French and a New Yorker.

Wild Men: “We are becoming civilized, so even though we are going to kill you, we are going to allow you to chose the way you die.”

Englishman: “Well then, I chose the gun.”

The Englishman bravely takes the gun and shoots himself.

Frenchman: “Well then, I will take ze poisó n.

Grimacing at the Englishman’s messy death, he swallows the poison.

Then, the wild men stared at the New Yorker in horror, and saw that he was stabbing himself all over with a fork.

Wild Men: "What are you doing?!?!"

New Yorker: “Make a frikkin' canoe outta me, will ya!!"
0∈ [?]
"Sometimes me think what is love, and then me think love is what last cookie is for. Me give up the last cookie for you." - Cookie Monster
.chumly_12
10/03/07 11:58 PM GMT
two hunters are out hunting deer, suddenly one hunter collapses. the other hunter calls emergency services.

Emergency services - can i help you?

hunter - my friend has died what do i do?

emergency services - ok ok first lets make sure if he's dead

*a loud gunshot is heard*

hunter - Now what?
0∈ [?]
_.:-:._ a picture paints a thousand words, but what if its a really really small picture_.:-:._ *tommy*
::mesmerized
12/12/07 9:43 PM GMT
THE OFFICE CHRISTMAS PARTY
(Be sure to read all of the headers of each memo)


Subject: HOLIDAY SEASON PARTY
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: November 01, 2007

I’m happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23, starting at noon in the private function room at the Grill House. There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks! We’ll have a small band playing traditional carols…feel free to sing along. And don’t be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus! A Christmas tree will be lit at l::00 p.m. Exchange of gifts among employees can be done at that time; however, no gift should be over $10.00 to make the giving of gifts easy for everyone’s pockets. This gathering is only for employees! Our CEO will make a special announcement at that time!
Merry Christmas to you and your family!
Patty.



FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: November 02, 2007
RE: Holiday Party

In no way was yesterday’s memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We recognize that Chanukah is an important holiday, which often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year. However, from now on we’re calling it our “Holiday Party.” The same policy applies to any other employees who are not Christians or those still celebrating Reconciliation Day. There will be no Christmas tree present. No Christmas carols sung. We will have other types of music for your enjoyment. Happy now?
Happy Holidays to you and your family!
Patty.




FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: November 03, 2007
RE: Holiday Party

Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table…you didn’t sign your name. I’m happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that read, “AA Only”, you wouldn’t be anonymous anymore. How am I supposed to handle this? Somebody? Forget about the gifts exchange, no gifts exchange are allowed, since the union members feel that $10.00 is too much money and executives believe that $10.00 is a little chintzy. NO GIFTS EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED.

Everybody is happy now????

Patty.



FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: November 04, 2007
RE: Holiday Party

What a diverse group we are!!! I had no idea that December 20 begins the Muslin Holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking during daylight hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon at this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees’ beliefs. Perhaps the Grill House can hold off on serving your meal until the end of the party—or else package everything for you to take it home in a little foil doggy baggy. Will that work? Meanwhile, I’ve arranged for members of Weight Watchers to sit farthest from the dessert buffet and pregnant women will get the table closest to the restrooms. Gays are allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians do not have to sit with gay men; each will have their own table. Yes, there will be a flower arrangement for the gay men’s table. To the person asking permission to cross-dress, no cross-dressing allowed. We will have booster seats for short people. Low-fat food will be available for those on a diet. We cannot control the salt used
in the food. We suggest for those people with high blood pressure to taste first. There will be fresh fruits as dessert for diabetics. The restaurant cannot supply “No Sugar” desserts. Sorry!
Did I f**king miss anything?!?!?!

Patty.



FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All F**king Employees
DATE: November 05, 2007
RE: The F**king Holiday Party

Vegetarian pr**ks I’ve had it with you people!!! We’re going to keep this party at the Grill House whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the “grill of death”, as you so quaintly put it, and you’ll get your f**king salad bar, including organic tomatoes. But you know, tomatoes have feelings too. They scream when you slice them. I’ve heard them scream. I’m hearing them scream right NOW! I hope you all have a rotten holiday! Drive drunk and die!!!

The B**ch from Hell!!!!!!



FROM: Joan Bishop, Acting Human Resources Director
DATE: November 06, 2007
RE: Patty Lewis and Holiday Party

I’m sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy recovery and I’ll continue to forward your cards to her. In the meantime, management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay.
Happy Holidays !

Joan.


...................................................................................................

Please note: Not intended to offend...just an old joke.


Anyone else got some?




0∈ [?]
"Let's be naughty and save Santa the trip."
.purmusic
12/13/07 2:49 AM GMT
Lol ... good one. :oD

Following in your footsteps ...

'Twas The (Politically Correct) Night Before Christmas

'Twas the night before Christmas and Santa's a wreck...
How to live in a world that's politically correct?
His workers no longer would answer to "Elves".
"Vertically Challenged" they were calling themselves.
And labor conditions at the north pole
Were alleged by the union to stifle the soul.

Four reindeer had vanished, without much propriety,
Released to the wilds by the Humane Society.
And equal employment had made it quite clear
That Santa had better not use just reindeer.

So Dancer and Donner, Comet and Cupid,
Were replaced with 4 pigs, and you know that looked stupid!

The runners had been removed from his sleigh;
The ruts were termed dangerous by the E.P.A.
And people had started to call for the cops
When they heard sled noises on their roof-tops.

Second-hand smoke from his pipe had his workers quite frightened.
His fur trimmed red suit was called "Unenlightened."

And to show you the strangeness of life's ebbs and flows,
Rudolf was suing over unauthorized use of his nose
And had gone on Geraldo, in front of the nation,
Demanding millions in over-due compensation.

So, half of the reindeer were gone; and his wife,
Who suddenly said she'd enough of this life,
Joined a self-help group, packed, and left in a whiz,
Demanding from now on her title was Ms.

And as for the gifts, why, he'd ne'er had a notion
That making a choice could cause so much commotion.
Nothing of leather, nothing of fur,
Which meant nothing for him. And nothing for her.

Nothing that might be construed to pollute.
Nothing to aim. Nothing to shoot.
Nothing that clamored or made lots of noise.
Nothing for just girls. Or just for the boys.

Nothing that claimed to be gender specific.
Nothing that's warlike or non-pacific.



No candy or sweets...they were bad for the tooth.
Nothing that seemed to embellish a truth.
And fairy tales, while not yet forbidden,
Were like Ken and Barbie, better off hidden.

For they raised the hackles of those psychological
Who claimed the only good gift was one ecological.

No baseball, no football...someone could get hurt;
Besides, playing sports exposed kids to dirt.
Dolls were said to be sexist, and should be passe;
And Nintendo would rot your entire brain away.

So Santa just stood there, disheveled, perplexed;
He just could not figure out what to do next.

He tried to be merry, tried to be gay,
you've got to be careful with that word today.
His sack was quite empty, limp to the ground;
Nothing fully acceptable was to be found.

Something special was needed, a gift that he might
Give to all without angering the left or the right.
A gift that would satisfy, with no indecision,
Each group of people, every religion;

Every ethnicity, every hue,
Everyone, everywhere...even you.
So here is that gift, it's price beyond worth...
"May you and your loved ones enjoy peace on earth."
0∈ [?]
"Sometimes me think what is love, and then me think love is what last cookie is for. Me give up the last cookie for you." - Cookie Monster
::Dunstickin
12/13/07 12:09 AM GMT
.. .. .. THE BOWL OF WATER .. .. ..

Miss Beatrice, the church organist, is in her 80's and had never been married.

She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all.

One afternoon the pastor came to call on her, and she showed him into her quaint sitting room.
She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea.

As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister noticed a magnificent cut-glass bowl sitting on top of it.

The bowl was filled with water, and in the water floated, of all things, .. a condom!

When she returned with the tea and scones, they began to chat.
The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and it's strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist.

"Miss Beatrice", he said .. I wonder if you would tell me about this? .. pointing at the bowl. ..

"Oh yes" she replied .. "Isn't it wonderful?

I was walking through the park a few month's ago and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said, to place it on the organ, keep it wet, and that it would prevent the spread of disease.

"Do you know, I haven't had the flu all winter"!!
0∈ [?]
*You will have noticed that I haven't been commenting as much on your fine images!..This is because of the pains in my hands!..the constant use of the keyboard, makes this difficult..so, my dear friends..I can only apologise to you all in advance!* OwdBob'sGallery
::Dunstickin
12/16/07 3:59 PM GMT
What a way to get free drinks !!




Shamus and Murphy fancied a pint or two but didn't have a lot of money;..between them, they could only raise the staggering sum of 50 pence.

Murphy said "Hang on, I have an idea." He went next door to the butcher's shop and came out with one large sausage.

Shamus said "Are you crazy? Now we don't have any money left at all'.


Murphy replied "Don't worry - just follow me."
He went into the pub where he immediately ordered two pints of Guiness and two glasses of Jamieson Whisky.

Shamus said "Now you've lost it. Do you know how much trouble we will be in?..We haven't got any money!!' Murphy replied, with a smile

"Don't worry, I have a plan. Cheers!"

They downed their drinks. Murphy said "OK, I'll stick the sausage through my zipper and you go on your knees and put it in your mouth." Said and done,

The barman noticed them, went berserk and threw them out. They continued doing this, pub after pub, getting more and more drunk all for free.

At the tenth pub Shamus said "Murphy - I don't think I can do any more o'this. I'm pissed and me knees are killin' me!"

Murphy said "How do you think I feel? I lost the sausage in
the third pub."
0∈ [?]
*You will have noticed that I haven't been commenting as much on your fine images!..This is because of the pains in my hands!..the constant use of the keyboard, makes this difficult..so, my dear friends..I can only apologise to you all in advance!* OwdBob'sGallery
.twinkel
12/16/07 10:17 PM GMT
....LOLOL......
0∈ [?]
laughter is the best medicine.
::Dunstickin
12/17/07 10:02 AM GMT


An Oirish Story.

An Irishman goes
to the Doctor with botty problems...



'Dactor, it's me ahrse. I'd
loik ya ta teyhk a look, if ya woot'.



So the doctor gets him to drop his pants and takes a look.



'Incredible'he says, 'there is a £20
note lodged up here.'



Tentatively
he eases the twenty out of the man's bottom, and then a £10 pound note appears.



'This is amazing!'exclaims the Doctor. ''What do you want me to do?'



'Well fur gadness sake teyhk it out,man' shriek's the patient.



The doctor pulls out the tenner and another twenty appears .. and another and another and another, etc.....



Finally the last note comes out and no more appear.



'Ah Dactor, tank ya koindly, dat's moch batter..Just out of interest, how moch was in dare den?'



The Doctor counts the pile of cash and says '£1,990 exactly.'




'Ah, dat'd be roit,'' says the Irishman



(Wait for it...........scroll down.)







'I knew I wasn't feeling two grand..'
0∈ [?]
*You will have noticed that I haven't been commenting as much on your fine images!..This is because of the pains in my hands!..the constant use of the keyboard, makes this difficult..so, my dear friends..I can only apologise to you all in advance!* OwdBob'sGallery
::Dunstickin
01/05/08 9:15 AM GMT
.. .. .. .. .. Eighteen Bottles .. .. .. .. ..

I had 18 bottles of whisky in my cupboard and was told by my wife to empty the contents down the sink - or else !

I said I would, and proceeded with the unpleasant task. I with drew the cork from the first bottle and poured the contents down the sink, with the exception of one glass, which I drank.
I extracted the cork from the second bottle and did likewise with it, with the exception of one glass, which I drank.
I then withdrew the cork from the third bottle and poured the whisky down the sink, which I drank.
I pulled the cork from the fourth bottle down the sink,and poured the bottled down the glass, which I drank.
I pulled the bottle from the cork of the next and drank one sink out of it, and threw the rest down the glass.
I pulled the sink out of the next glass and poured the cork down the bottle. Then I corked the sink with the glass, bottled the drink and drank the pour.

When I had everything emptied, I steadied the house with one hand, counted the glasses, corks, bottles and sinks with the other, which were 29, and as the house came by, I counted them again, and finally had all the house in one bottle, which I drank.
I am not under the affluence of alcohol, as some tinkle peep I am.
I'm not half as thunk as you might drink.
I fool so feelish I don't know who is me, and the drunker I stand here the longer I get.

Oh my!!

Analominous ..
0∈ [?]
* To Believe in myself and have faith in my Photography * OwdBob'sGallery
.Molybdenum
01/31/08 7:35 PM GMT
whats the difference between roast beast and pea soup?
anyone can roast beast....

0∈ [?]
Everyone takes better pictures than me, I'm determined to change that.

This comment by davidboy has been moved to the Hall of Shame.

[view comment]

+purmusic
07/01/10 10:35 AM GMT
One night a burglar is trying to break into a house.

He's sneaking across the lawn when he hears a voice - "Jesus is watching you!"

He jumps, turns around, but he doesn't see anything. So he starts creeping across the lawn again. "Jesus is watching you!"

He hears it again. So now the burglar is really looking around, and he sees a parrot in a cage by the side of the house.

He says to the parrot, "Did you say that?" The parrot answers "Yes I did."

So the burglar asks, "What's your name?" The parrot says "Clarence."

The burglar says "What kind of stupid idiot would name his parrot Clarence?"

The parrot says, "The same stupid idiot that named his Rottweiler 'Jesus'."
0∈ [?]
"There is always something waiting at the end of the road ... if you're not willing to see what it is ... you probably shouldn't be out there in the first place."

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