Hey pplz, does anyone have any funny jokes here on caedes? It can be about anything, and I'll start you ppl off, ok here it goes (it may not be really funny, but I got a kick out of it, and oh, I'm soo srry if this is offensive to anyone!!) A dumb blonde is swerving on the road when she is driving, so the policeman stops her and asks her why she was swerving, she replies, "I was trying to get past the tree in the middle of the road." And it turns out, it was her air-freshener tree. HA HA!!!

Hi Stephanie, sorry about just now getting to this thread...uh, Stephanie? Hello? Oh well.

Here's my submission, which was difficult tryin' to think of a clean one to tell. :o

Not being overly enthused about his recent sermons the preacher went for a walk to think of how he could get the congregations attention more. During his walk he came across a pet store and had a brilliant idea. He went and talked to the owner, the owner told him about this parrot he had that talked and would do whatever it was taught. Well the preacher bought the fine bird and headed back.

He told the parrot he’d drill a small hole up in the rafters and when he gave his sermon and said “and the fires came down from the heavens” that the parrot would light a match and toss it down through the hole and it would look fantastic. They practiced and practiced and it worked well and did look amazing.

Then came Sunday, the preacher was giving a great sermon when he said, “and the fires came down from the heavens”…nothing happened. The preacher said it again louder, “and the fires came down from the heavens”…again, nothing. He looked up at the little hole in the rafters and shouted “AND THE FIRES CAME DOWN FROM THE HEAVENS”…about that time the parrot stuck his head through the hole and said, “yeah, and the cat pee’d on the matches”.

Sorry, just couldn't pass up the opportunity to bring up an old thread.

3 guys @ a business convention meet up for a drink @ the bar. It turns out they're all newlyweds, and they start discussing their wives.

The man from Texas tells his story: "When I first got married, I had to tell my wife what I expected from her. That the cooking and cleaning was her responsibility, and dinner had to be ready when I got home. The 1st day I came home, I saw no changes, the 2nd day, still nothing, the 3rd day, I got home, the house was spotless, the table was set, she had a pot roast dinner all ready"

The man from Florida chimed in and said: "Yes! Me too! I had a similar experience, and when I came home the 1st day, nothing, the 2nd day, nothing, the 3rd day, I found a candlelit dinner on the table, and even the windows sparkled."

The man from New York speaks up and says: "Yup, I laid down the law too when I 1st got married, and the 1st day I saw nothing, the 2nd day I saw nothing, and the 3rd day, I could just see a little bit out of my left eye."

I have a number of jokes on my laptop, but many are offensive to some ppl of different nationalities, so I didn't post them here... but I do have some good ones that are fine for all ppl...

A truck driver stopped at a roadside diner for lunch, and ordered a cheeseburger, coffee, and a slice of apple pie. As he was about to eat, three motorcycles pulled up outside.
The bikers came in, and one grabbed the trucker's cheeseburger out of his hand and took a huge bite from it. The second one drank the trucker's coffee, and the third wolfed down his apple pie. The truck driver didn't say a word. He simply got up, paid the cashier, and left.
When he was gone, other motorcyclists snickered to one another and congratulated each other on being so "bad". As the cashier walked up, one of the motorcyclists growled, "He ain't much of a man, is he?"
"He's not much of a driver, either," the cashier replied. "He just backed his 18-wheeler over three motorcycles."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A wife with near maturing pregnancy goes to a railway station to return to her husband. At the reservation counter, while her turn came, it was the last ticket. Taking pity on a very old lady next to her in the queue, she offered her berth to the old lady and sent a telegram to her husband which reached as:
"Shall be coming tomorrow, heavy rush in the train, gave birth to an old lady."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A gentleman walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer. He says he is going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000.
The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for such a loan. So the gentleman hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce parked on the street in front of the bank. Everything checks out, and the bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. An employee drives the Rolls into the bank’s underground garage and parks it there.
Two weeks later, the gentleman returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41. The loan officer says, "We are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is why would you bother to borrow $5,000?"
The gentleman replied, "Where else in New York can I park my car for two weeks for 15 bucks?"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~`

Eleven people were hanging on a rope under a helicopter, ten men and one woman.
The rope was not strong enough to carry them all, so they decided that one has to leave, otherwise they are all going to fall. They were not able to name that person, until the woman held a very touching speech.
She said that she will voluntarily let go of the rope, because as a woman she is used to giving up everything for her husband and kids, or for men in general, without ever getting anything in return.
Guess who sacrificed
.......................................
.......................................
.......................................
.......................................
As soon as she finished her speech, all the men started clapping their hands.......

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Work vs. Prison

IN PRISON... you spend the majority of your time in an 8X10 cell.
AT WORK... you spend the majority of your time in a 6X8 cubicle.

IN PRISON... you get three meals a day.
AT WORK... you only get a break for one meal and you have to pay for it.

IN PRISON... you get time off for good behavior.
AT WORK... you get more work for good behavior.

IN PRISON... the guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
AT WORK... you must carry around a security card and open all the doors for yourself.

IN PRISON... you can watch TV and play games.
AT WORK... you get fired for watching TV and playing games.

IN PRISON... you get your own toilet.
AT WORK... you have to share with some idiot who pees on the seat.

IN PRISON...they allow your family and friends to visit.
AT WORK...you can't even speak to your family.

IN PRISON... all expenses are paid by the taxpayers with no work required
AT WORK... you get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners.

IN PRISON... you spend most of your life inside bars wanting to get out.
AT WORK... you spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars.

IN PRISON... you must deal with sadistic wardens.
AT WORK... they are called managers.

So why is it, again, that we work?

An elderly woman decided to prepare her will and told her preacher she had two final requests. First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered over Wal-Mart. "Wal-Mart?" the preacher exclaimed. "Why Wal-Mart?" "Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week, " the woman said.

Not the best, but hey....it's clean