I am feeling a bit depressed at the moment. Therefore I demand that someone cheer me up by telling an hilarious joke! If you can't think of a joke then just go and vote 10 on all my images instead.

People who listen to satellite radio tend to take their music very Siriusly...

A police officer with callouses from walking the beat: "Corn on the cop..."

A steer that swallows dynamite is abominable...When the dynamite explodes, it's noble...

A cow that had an abortion: "Decalfinated"

A geometry instructor's dead parrot: "Polygon"

"Poor old fool, " thought the gentleman as he watched an old man fish in a puddle outside a pub. So he invited the old man inside for a drink. As they were drinking their whiskey, the gentleman thought he'd humor the old man and asked, "So how many have you caught today?"

The old man replied, "You're the eighth."

My extra-sensitive toothpaste doesn't like it when I use other toothpastes.

Parallel lines have so much in common...it's a shame they never meet!

I've only got one life to live - the pessimistic cat

My friend asked me to describe myself in 3 words...

Lazy.

What is the only reason Donald Trump is watching the Olympics?

So he can determine how high Mexican pole vaulters can jump.

(Oh, yeah.. cue the rim shot. )

My boyfriend and I laugh about how competitive we are.

But I laugh more.

Lolol.


Husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop with their nine children. A blind man joins them after a few minutes.

When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded and only the wife and the nine kids are able to fit onto the bus.

So the husband and the blind man decide to walk. After a while, the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man as he taps it on the sidewalk, and says to him, "Why don't you put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick? That ticking sound is driving me crazy."

The blind man replies, "If you had put a rubber at the end of YOUR stick, we'd be riding the bus."

My IQ test results came back. They were negative.

"Rice is great if you're really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something." - Mitch Hedberg

If alcohol influences short-term memory, what does alcohol do?

Lol.

Had to read that one.. thrice.

:oD


Keep the dream alive: Hit the snooze button.

Don't sweat the petty things, and don't pet the sweaty things.

~George Carlin

A man from out of town walks into a bar and sees large pieces of meat hanging from the ceiling. He asks the bartender why the meat is hanging down from the ceiling.

The bartender says, "Around these parts we have a challenge. If you can jump up and touch the meat, you get it for free. If you can't you have to pay the price of the meat but you don't get it. How about taking the bet?"

The man looks up at the meat.

"Nah", he says. "The steaks are too high."

A vulture boarded a plane carrying two dead raccoons.

The flight attendant said: "I'm sorry. Each passenger is only allowed one carrion."

Good good one.

:oD

... ...

I am amazing at managing my credit card..

My bank keeps sending me letters saying my account is outstanding!

How many mystery writers does it take to change a lightbulb?
Two. One to screw it most of the way and another to give it a surprise twist at the end.

My boss was honest with me today..

He pulled up to work with his sweet new car this morning and I complimented him on it. He replied, "Well, if you work hard, set goals, stay determined and put in long hours, I can get an even better one next year."

Good one...and so true!

One day Canada will take over the world..

Then we'll all be sorry.

A bear walks into a bar and says, "Give me a whiskey and ...... cola."

"Why the big pause?" asks the bartender.

The bear shrugged. "I'm not sure; I was born with them."

Two cows in a field.

One asks, "Should I be worried about mad cow's disease?"

"Well, I'm not", the other replies, ".. because I'm a squirrel!"

"It all starts innocently, mixing chocolate and Rice Krispies, but before you know it, you're adding raisins and marshmallows; it's a rocky road"

From the "The ten funniest jokes ever (according to science)"..

A guy meets a sex worker in a bar. She says, "This is your lucky night. I've got a special game for you. I'll do absolutely anything you want for $300 as long as you can say it in three words."

The guy replies, "Hey, why not?"

He pulls his wallet out of his pocket and lays $300 on the bar, and says slowly..

"Paint..my..house."

My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We'll see about that.

If you're not supposed to eat at night, why is there a light bulb in the refrigerator?

Apparently I snore so loudly that it scares everyone in the car I'm driving.

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?

WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.

ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?

WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

I think my neighbor is stalking me as she's been googling my name on her computer. I saw it through my telescope last night.

A blonde told her doctor that she was really worried because every part of her body hurt.

The doctor looked concerned and said, "Show me where."

The blonde touched her own arm and screamed, "Ouch!"

Then she touched her leg and screamed, "Ouch!"

She touched her nose and cried, "Ouch!"

She looked at her doctor and said, "See? It hurts everywhere!"

The doctor said, "Don't worry; it's not serious. You've just got a broken finger."

Life is all about perspective. The sinking of the Titanic was a miracle to the lobsters in the ship's kitchen.

The bartender says, "We don't serve time travelers in here."

A time traveler walks into a bar..

You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.
Fritos

What the what?

Lol.


Man walks into a bar and orders three separate shots of whiskey. He solemnly drinks each one. The bartender asks why he needs the three separate shots, and why all at once.

"Well, this one's for me brother in Dublin. This one's for me brother in New York. And this one's for me. Seein' as how we can't be in the same bar, we figure if all three of us do this once a month, well--it's almost like we're drinkin' together."

A month goes by, and the guy comes back in, orders three shots, drinks all three. And again each month, for years. When asked to explain, he always says the same thing: "Well, this one's for me brother in Dublin. This one's for me brother in New York. And this one's for me."

Until one month when the guy comes in and orders only two shots. Drinks them solemn as you please. The concerned bartender asks: "Excuse me, but--did something happen to one of your brothers?"

"No--this one's for me brother in Dublin. And this one's for me brother in New York. Me? I quit drinkin'."

A friend of mine tried to annoy me with bird puns, but I soon realized that toucan play at that game.

p.s. previous: you can't very well find out what is in a bag of Fritos until you buy it...so purchase is necessary....ok it's a dumb joke! lol

*whoooosh*

That one went right over me head.

DoH!

Think I am literally, too literal at times.

... ...

Why didn't the lifeguard save the hippie?

He was too far out, man.

Why did the blond get fired from the banana plantation? Because she threw out all the bent ones.

A man was stopped by the police around 2 am. The officer asked him where he was going at that time of night.

The man replied, "I'm on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late."

The officer then asked, "Really? Who's giving that lecture at this time of night?"

The man replied, "That would be my wife."

Good one^

Isn't it great to live in the 21st century? Where deleting history has become more important than making it.

Thanks for explaining the word "many" to me, it means a lot.

I find it ironic that the colors red, white, and blue stand for freedom until they are flashing behind you.

A Texan farmer goes to Australia for a vacation. There he meets an Aussie farmer and gets talking. The Aussie shows off his big wheat field and the Texan says, "Oh! We have wheat fields that are at least twice as large."

Then they walk around the ranch a little, and the Aussie shows off his herd of cattle. The Texan immediately says, "We have longhorns that are at least twice as large as your cows."

The conversation has, meanwhile, almost died when the Texan sees a herd of kangaroos hopping through the field. He asks, "And what are those?"

The Aussie replies with an incredulous look, "Don't you have any grasshoppers in Texas?"

Anton, do you think I�m a bad mother?

My name is Paul.

Two men are sitting at a bar in the United States, drinking beer..

One turns to the other. "Where are you from, friend?" "Ireland." "Hey! I'm from Ireland too." "Neat! What part are you from?" "Munster." "Oi! Me too!" "No way! What part of Munster?" "Killarney." "You're kidding, that's where I'm from!" "You gotta be kidding lad! Where did you go to school?" "St. Mary's." "I went to St. Mary's!" "What are the odds?? What street did you live on in Killarney?" "Down on Baker Street, right next door to the Callaghan family." "I can't believe it, I lived on Baker Street next door to the Callaghan's too!"

The bartender has been listening to their conversation all night as she works. The next bartender comes in to relieve her. "Anything interesting going on tonight?" he asks.

She replies, "Not really. The O'Brien twins got drunk together again."

Good one! ^

I recently met a Chinese man and got to know that his name was Kannaswami.

I asked him, "How did you ever get a name like that being a Chinese?"

He said; "Many, many years ago when I first went to USA, I was standing in line at the Political Asylums Immigration Counter. The man in front of me was a Sri Lankan Tamil refugee. The white lady at the counter looked at him and asked 'What is your name?' He replied 'Kannaswami'.

Then she looked at me and asked 'What's your name?'

I said, 'Sem Ting'."

Critique: He has Van Gogh's ear for music.

I asked my grandfather for twenty dollars.

"Twenty dollars?!" he said. "For what?"

"To buy groceries," I told him.

"When I was a boy," my grandfather said. "My mama would give me one dollar, just one dollar, and I'd go to the store and come home with two loaves of bread, two sacks of potatoes, a carton of eggs, three bottles of milk, a can of coffee and a box of tea."

He shrugged and paused.

"Times have changed and ya can't do that now," he told me. "Too many security cameras."

True story (that shows my unusual tact)

I received a call at work from someone trying to reach my co-worker. I said, "Roberta is unavailable...you know how Roberta is...she's out for a smoke again."

There was an awkward silence and then the caller said, "I'm the facilitator for her class to quit smoking."

I took it upon myself to not tell Roberta that she had received a call! lol

In a Catholic school cafeteria, a nun places a note in front of a pile of apples, "Only take one. God is watching." Further down the line is a pile of cookies. A little boy makes his own note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples."

Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump go into a bakery.

As soon as they enter the bakery, Hillary steals three pastries and puts them in her pocket. She says to Donald, "See how clever I am? The owner didn't see anything and I don't even need to lie. I will definitely win the election."

The Donald says to Hillary, "That's the typical dishonesty you have displayed throughout your entire life, trickery and deceit. I am going to show you an honest way to get the same result."

Donald goes to the owner of the bakery and says, "Give me a pastry and I will show you a magic trick." Intrigued, the owner accepts and gives him a pastry. Trump swallows it and asks for another one. The owner gives him another one. Then Donald asks for a third pastry and eats that, too.

The owner is starting to wonder where the magic trick is and asks, "What did you do with the pastries?" Trump replies, "Look in Hillary's pocket."

Good one^

A 90-year-old golfer tells his wife that he is quitting the game.

"But why?" asks his wife.

"Well, it's my eyesight. I can't see where the ball goes after I hit it".

The wife says, "Listen, you can go with my brother Pete. He might be 103 years old but his eyesight is perfect."

He agrees and finds himself on the golf course with his brother-in-law. He takes aim and hits a powerful shot that speeds off like a jet. He looks at his brother-in-law and says: "Did you see that Pete?"

His brother-in-law says, "Yes, I saw that perfectly."

The golfer says, "Well, where is it then?"

Pete responds, "I don't remember."

Just bought a thesaurus and when I looked, all the pages were blank.

I have no words to describe how angry I am!

Two snowmen are standing in a field..

Snowman 1: "Do you smell carrots?"

What do you call a woman who can't draw?

Tracy

What is Santa's favourite pizza?

One that's deep pan, crisp and even.

Good one ^

For anyone else that didn't get this right away:

Good King Wenceslas looked out
On the feast of Stephen
When the snow lay round about
Deep and crisp and even

What do you call it when Batman skips church?

Christian Bale

... ...

An infinite number of math mathematicians walk into a bar.

The first orders 1 beer. The second orders 1/2 beer. The third orders 1/4 beer. The next orders 1/8 beer. Visibly frustrated the bartender slams 2 beers on the table and says "Guys, you need to learn your limits!"

... ...

A family had twin boys whose only resemblance to each other was their looks. If one felt it was too hot, the other thought it was too cold. If one said the TV was too loud, the other claimed the volume needed to be turned up. Opposite in every way, one was an eternal optimist, the other a doom & gloom pessimist.

Just to see what would happen, on Christmas Eve their father loaded the pessimist's room with every imaginable toy and game. The optimist's room he loaded with horse manure.

That Christmas morning the father passed by the pessimist's room and found him sitting amid his new gifts crying bitterly.

"Why are you crying?" the father asked.

"Because my friends will be jealous, I'll have to read all these instructions before I can do anything with this stuff, I'll constantly need batteries, and my toys will eventually get broken," answered the pessimist twin.

Passing the optimist twin's room, the father found him dancing for joy in the pile of manure. "What are you so happy about?" he asked.

To which his optimist twin replied, "There's got to be a pony in here somewhere!"

I ordered a chicken and egg from Amazon.

I'll let you know.

What do you call twin policemen?

Copies.

What do you call someone who's afraid of Santa?

Claustrophobic.

An iPhone for fat fingers! When do we want it? BOW!

A psychic tells a frog, "You will meet a pretty woman who will want to know everything about you."
"Great!" says the frog. "Will I meet her at a party?"
"No. Next term, in biology class."

Four college students are having a great time on spring break.

So they decide to spend an extra week away from class. One of the students calls his professor, and says, "Prof, we are stuck in Daytona beach. We won't be able to make it back in time for exams because the tire on our car blew. We need to get it fixed before we head back".

The prof says, "No problem. Your safety comes first. Do what you need to, and when you get back the four of you can write the exam at that point".

So the students live it up for another week. Drinking. Partying. Etc.

When they get back to school a week later, the prof welcomes them, sits them each in different rooms, and hands them the exam.

When they turn the page over to start writing, they find their exams have only one question: "Which tire?"

We have to stop talking about mitosis...
It's such a divisive issue.

I asked the librarian for a book about Pavlov's dog and Schroedinger's cat.

She said it rang a bell, but she wasn't sure if it was there or not.

I thought me and my girlfriend had something special. She met my parents, brought me dinner and called me honey. Now suddenly..

She's just a "waitress" and she was just "doing her job".

My dentist asked me the last time I flossed.

I replied, "You remember.. you were there."


... ...

What's the difference between cats and dogs?

A dog thinks:

These people, they love me, provide me with shelter and feed me. They must be gods.

A cat thinks:

These people, they love me, provide me with shelter and feed me. I must be a god.

... ...

At a hotel restaurant, a man sees an attractive woman sitting alone at the next table. Suddenly, she sneezes, and a glass eye comes flying out of her eye socket. It hurls by the man, and he snatches it from the air and hands it back to her.

"This is so embarrassing," the woman says, and she pops her eye back in place. "I'm sorry to have disturbed you. Let me buy dinner to make it up to you. May I join you?" He nods.

The woman is a stimulating conversationalist, stunningly pretty, and the man finds they have a lot in common. He gets her phone number and asks, "You are the most charming woman I've ever encountered. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?" "No," she replies. "You just happened to catch my eye."

Just came home from a training session. Two hours on the treadmill did me really good. If only I could somehow stop the constant beeping and the irritated comments of the cashier.

A recent scientific study showed that out of 2,293,618,367 people, 94% are too lazy to actually read that number.

My friend boasted he had the body of a Greek god. I had to explain where Buddha actually comes from.

Q. Why do the French like to eat snails so much?

A. They can't stand fast food.

Norm MacDonald tells a joke on Conan.

Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance


The five stages of waking up.

A blonde woman walks into a bank in NYC before going on vacation and asks for a $5,000 loan.

The banker asks, "Okay, miss, is there anything you would like to use as collateral?" The woman says, "Yes, of course. I'll use my Rolls Royce." The banker, stunned, asks, "A $250,000 Rolls Royce? Really?" The woman is completely positive. She hands over the keys, as the bankers and loan officers laugh at her. They check her credentials, make sure she is the title owner. Everything checks out. They park it in their underground garage for two weeks. When she comes back, she pays off the $5,000 loan as well as the $15.41 interest.

The loan officer says, "Miss, we are very appreciative of your business with us, but I have one question. We looked you up and found out that you are a multi-millionaire. Why would you want to borrow $5,000?"

The woman replies, "Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?"

A man loses his dog, so he puts an ad in the paper.

The ad says: "Here, boy!"

I have a chicken proof lawn.. it's impeccable.

Seen on a tee shirt in the store today:
"I just do what the voices in my wife's head tell me to do."

I almost read that one too quickly.. or, rather.. filled it in, without having actually read it.

Good good one!

:oD

"I hate audio correct."

We were at a red light when a car pulled up, its music blasting. "He'll be deaf before he's 25," I said.

"It won't help us," my wife replied. "He'll only turn it up."

A Chinese Doctor can't find a job in a Hospital in the US, so he opens his own clinic and puts a sign outside: 'GET TREATMENT FOR $20 - IF NOT CURED GET BACK $100.'

An American lawyer thinks this is a great opportunity to earn $100 and goes to the clinic.

Lawyer: "I have lost my sense of taste."
Chinese Doctor: "Nurse, bring medicine from box No. 22 and put 3 drops in patient's mouth."
Lawyer: "Ugh. this is kerosene."
Chinese Doctor: "Congrats, your sense of taste is restored. Give me $20."

The annoyed lawyer goes back after a few days to recover his money.

Lawyer: "I have lost my memory. I cannot remember anything."
Chinese Doctor: "Nurse, bring medicine from box no. 22 and put 3 drops in his mouth."
Lawyer (annoyed): "This is kerosene. You gave this to me last time for restoring my taste."
Chinese Doctor: "Congrats. You got your memory back. Give me $20."

The fuming lawyer pays him, and then comes back a week later determined to get back $100.

Lawyer: "My eyesight has become very weak I can't see at all."
Chinese Doctor: "Well, I don't have any medicine for that, so take this $100."
Lawyer (staring at the note): "But this is $20, not $100!!"

Chinese Doctor: "Congrats, your eyesight is restored. Give me $20."

Receptionist: "Doctor, your next patient claims to be invisible."

Doctor: "Well tell him I can't see him right now."

Well worth whiling some time away reading the Twitter feed of The Last Blockbuster.

Funny stuff, says me.. and did.

Sign seen outside a surgeon's office:

"Circumcisions! 10% off!"

... ...

I know, I know..

(*locks up his inner imp.. a -gain*)

Senga: The Scottish Voice Assistant.

-- on Facebook (with subtitles).

-- on YouTube (no subtitles available, at least not on my old iPad).

I remember when the first "Trainspotting" movie came out in the major theatres.. made me chuckle to see subtitles.

Mind..

Being a fan of Irvine Welsh and a couple of other Sottish writers did make things easier for me, though.

This one is for Connie; aka Constance52347..


A monocle walks into a bar.

After a few drinks he starts to feel pretty good (and a little uncoordinated). He reaches for a cigarette, but the bartender stops him. "Sorry, buddy, but due to city ordinances we don't allow smoking in here. You'll have to step outside to smoke."

So the monocle hops off the bar stool and grabs his cigarettes to head outside. Meanwhile a second monocle emerges from the bathroom. They bump into each other as they cross paths and fall to the floor, hopelessly entangled. They try to get free but the more they struggle, the more tangled they become.

The bartender looks down on this travesty and shakes his head. "Hey you two!" he shouts. "Stop making spectacles of yourselves!"

The Crimbo Limbo Song (for those who haven't seen it).

Oh I loved the Crimbo Limbo! Thatnk you !A true story lol

And another bonus was the next one that came up was THIS ONE
I do like the Gogglebox and was so sad that Leon died recently - he was a true gentleman with a great sense of humour.

I sometimes watch Gogglebox but didn't realize about Leon... that's sad news. :-(

Did ya hear about the guy who opened up a restaurant on the moon?It didn't work out.It had great food,great service but it had no atmosphere.

Did ya hear about the gypsy who bought a crystal ball hoping to make money reading people's fortunes?It didn't work out.She tried it but had to give it up.She couldn't see any future in it.

A horse walks into a bar; the bartender asks, "Hello, do you want a beer?" The horse responds, "I think not," and promptly disappears.

... ...

Now, admittedly, this joke only makes sense if you are familiar with the French Enlightenment philosopher, Rene Descartes, who famously said, "I think, therefore I am." The horse thought not, and therefore wasn't..

But if I had explained that first, I would have been putting Descartes before the horse.

"It's tough to know who's better in cliff diving.

Like, you see a guy diving off a cliff and you go, "Oh, man, a guy diving off a cliff!" And then another guy'd dive - "Oh, there's another guy diving off a cliff there!"

But you can't tell who's better, y'know? Like - if you survive at all, hey, you're a great - you're a great cliff diver.

There's only two classifications in cliffdiving. There's, 'Grand Champion' and then, 'Stuff On a Rock.'

Very hard to make a comeback in that sport, I'll tell you that."

- Norm Macdonald

So aliens from Mars comes down to Earth..

... and they're friendly!

The leaders of the world and the aliens plan a huge televised event where the leaders can ask questions on whatever they want.

During this event, the pope is up to talk to the aliens.

"I know this question may sound odd to you gentlemen," the pope starts to ask, "but I was wondering if you and your kind knew about Jesus Christ?"

"Jesus Christ?!?" the alien leader exclaims, "how do we not! He swings by our planet every two years or so. Awesome guy!"

Now this obviously starts a huge debate within the UN, as this information now has implications to everything they knew. The pope, however, is not exactly a happy person as his brain is on other information.

"EVERY TWO YEARS OR SO?!?" The pope exclaims, "We've still been waiting for his SECOND coming!"

Trying to calm down the pope, the aliens say "Well maybe he didn't like your chocolate."

The pope, upon hearing this news, takes a few moments to calm down. When he finally regains his composure, he states calmly, "Forgive me, but what does chocolate have anything to do with this?"

The aliens respond, "Well when he was on our planet, we would give him huge boxes of chocolates. Why, what did you guys do when he was here?"