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One of those days..

Digital_Angel
12/06/04 2:55 AM GMT
Ever have one of those days where you want to cry for no reason? Just curious, cuz today is one of those days for me
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*~Faith is the substance of things hoped for and the evidence of things not seen~*

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dancenfool85
12/06/04 5:23 AM GMT
Hormones... lol I have a day like that every once in a while... except I'm usually crying for a reason I am just thinking will happen, like someone is gonna die or something. But I have learned to listen to those feelings because one time I was sitting in my room and I started to cry thinking about if someone were to die and how I would feel... And 2 weeks later my kitten got hit by a car and broke both of her hips and... well you know the rest.
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darkaliryn7_1
12/06/04 9:48 PM GMT
Poor kitten!!! And I don't have a problem with crying--at least not the same one. My problem is I CAN'T cry. I wish I could . . .
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-------Kaze no Kizu!
raptorfalcon
12/09/04 5:31 PM GMT
I’m so sorry for your kitten. I hope you at least got a fine if not prison time slapped on the guy who hit your kitten. Anyways I've had days when I wanted to do nothing but cry. I’ve had the days where I could literally feel the sanity slipping out of my grasp an inch at a time and not even the best medical physicians can figure out why. I could feel the weight of the sadness slowly imploding on my being robbing me of even the most basic of emotions. I could think of nothing else except the things that caused me grief and all of a sudden, all of the things that were out of my control yet affected my very existence came crashing down on me. I've come close to hanging myself for this very reason but unforeseen powers prevent it every time. I guess that shows that God loves me at least a little bit. Even the pooor wretched sinner that I am.
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You dont have to understand for it to be funny.
darkaliryn7_1
12/09/04 8:01 PM GMT
Near my house an old guy put out jell-o or something laced with antifreeze to poison a cat that kept chewing up his flowers. Two cats, not the one he intended, died--he claims he just wanted to make it sick but everyone knows antifreeze is poisonous. They sentenced him with having to pay the people whose cats died vet bills (they didn't die right off) and a while of house arrest because he's old and they don't want to send him to jail and parole and community service. Maybe they should have been harder on him.

MATTHEW--your story sounds quite a bit like mine. I've had a world come crashing down on me when I already felt awful--and not that pansy awful most people feel when they're down. My life reached some stability at some point but mentally I never recovered. I tried to kill myself several times in middle school, though I never went through with it. To this day I'm not sure what stopped me. I came very close to taking a bottle of pills several times and once went so close to hanging myself that I had the rope on my neck. All my life I'd felt kind of down, but it didn't get so bad when I was a kid. But when I was nine my father left home because he had been (and was) having an affair and spent two years moving in and out and changing his mind constantly. During the whole time I felt sick always. I felt a deep pit of dread in my stomach and was very depressed--and it never went away. When I was eleven he went out into the middle of nowhere and hung himself off a tree. They didn't find him until two days later. My grades went from a lifetime of straight As to Cs. Only weeks afterward my mother needed back surgery, and again six months later. Since she was laid up in bed all that summer and my brother was only 14 we never went anywhere, so my brother and I spent the summer playing Nintendo and eating junk food. That's all we did. Literally. I don't know about him but I never dealt with it all right so I've been screwed up since. I don't know how to deal with it anyway. I have made an almost perpetual practice of escapism. If I don't think about it, I don't have to think about it. I have had a constant physical heaving burning sensation in my gut probably since that point, though I don't remember when it first came. But it's been there at least since middle school--and now I'm 19 and in college. On top of these things, I have a terrible family history of mental illness. I am related to Edgar Allan Poe and some French people from way back who lived on a rock and killed anyone who tried to come up and became horribly inbred--a big cause of mental illness as recessive genes come together. My mother kept a bottle of codeine hidden throughout my young childhood because she kept getting so depressed and eventually had to go into the mental hospital for a bit. She was somewhat stable but now as she's disabled and the money from social security will never pay the bills and our relatives are running out of money to lend us she's convinced there is no point to her life. She's only alive because my brother and I told her we didn't want her to kill herself--which was hard to do--we avoid expressing affection and such. Especially for me--I rarely show anything for anyone--and I've spent all the time from middle school on always arguing with my mother. As for my father, he killed himself, didn't he? He struggled with depression himself partly because most of his family died in a car wreck with a drunk driver when he was ten. He was also possibly paranoid-schizophrenic but my mother isn't sure she trusts the shrink he'd been seeing. Don't even ask about my mother's background. It's horrible enough that I can't even think about it most of the time. Suffice to say that she has had a miserable existence pretty much from the time she was five years old on. Further, now we are on rotten terms with all our extended family. So--you see--I mean . . . I take so much medicine for my depression it isn't even funny. I tried to not take it for a few years but I got so worn down--every instant was a struggle. Every task was overwhelming and meaningless. Life only rarely was something I could take without feeling horrible all the way through in a way most people never come close to. I had to start taking it again. It solves nothing and everything is still overwhelming and meaningless and horrible and some days I don't care I don't care I don't care I don't care I don't care I don't care I don't care . . . but it's not quite so bad. It also started me having these insane hyper episodes where I felt invincible and euphoric. I keep getting them--I need to get tested for bipolar. And even though I'm not just fine even then, my horrible ache is still searing my gut in a physical, emotional, and spiritual way, and in certain ways I still feel the horrible weight of deep depression--but even though it's still a rotten way to be, I live for those times. One reason I've put off getting tested for bipolar is that if they diagnose me they'll try to prevent both depression and mania. But the euphoric times are all I have to live for. As horrible as they are, they're SO MUCH BETTER than the way I usually am. Is that a petty thing to live for? A feeling? I don't know. But it's all I have. Those times, I can find myself really caring about things, at least to a certain degree.
The last thing that influences my internal health in such a vast way is my philosophic beliefs. I was raised Christian and when I turned 15 I thought, what the heck, I only believe it because I was told it's true? So I went off to look for the truth objectively. I spent a long time not knowing what could cause anything to matter. When you don't even have a truth of the universe to tell yourself when you feel like nothing matters to tell yourself, to hang on to . . . . it can be disastrous. My saving grace was that I thought I saw a purpose in some way--I saw Something behind some things--though I didn't know what it was. But, to take one of my favorite song lyrics, "the more you look, the more you see". I became more and more convinced that something was there--but since it seemed so out there and so unlike anything anyone had come up with before I spent most of the time wondering if I was crazy--but I kept looking for it. If the universe doesn't have a purpose it doesn't matter what I waste my time doing, does it? If it does, I was pursuing truth with all I was. I finally came full circle. In my Christian Apologetics class, my teacher had us read an essay by CS Lewis called "The Weight of Glory" that brought Christianity in its pure form--don't take everything that people who claim to be Christians to be what we all believe--and the Something that had been haunting me for so long together in perfect harmony. Before that I had thought they were incompatible--but CS Lewis was a very intelligent man and saw the connections where I could not. So I have come full circle--but the journey was worth it because my religion is a part of me. It's something I can't deny. Much of the time I don't do what I should--wretched sinner--and sometimes I don't even think about religion for days and weeks because I don't feel like I can hack reality and fall back into escapism. I don't know the meaning of moderation--I get obsessed with the places I run to--but I end up coming back every time because the more I study a certain "world" (that is, the universe in a book or whatever) the more I see evidence that the Something--or Someone--is there behind it and the more I see evidence that there is no other way to redeem the potential beauty of the world from evil, entropy, and time. So, Matthew--I've been there. I can't cry anymore, but I have a place to go. The Something gives me a reason when I don't feel one. It isn't just a truth intellectually understand that I keep repeating to myself under my breath. I KNOW it is there and cannot deny it.
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-------Kaze no Kizu!
LiquidguitarJP
12/09/04 10:33 PM GMT
wow was that I big post...

Yes I do too... and just like you said, for no reason ...well kind of a reason:

Like when I think about like how fast time goes by ...and just really THINK about stuff (that I cant think of at the moment lol) It's usually in those times that I get to writtin my poetry, ya know?
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...†Quod Ego vadum vereor haud obscurum†... My lonely image: The Eye of the Beholder's Cousin
darkaliryn7_1
12/10/04 6:58 AM GMT
hahaha sounds familiar (note: that was not an amused laugh)
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-------Kaze no Kizu!
raptorfalcon
12/10/04 5:47 PM GMT
Oh no it's the big post of the apocalypse! Anyways my day was kind of good and kind of bad. I found out today that one of my colleagues at the chemical plant was let go because of some of the pranks that we have been pulling on each other. He was accused of attempted homicide because of putting a little hydrogen sulfide in the vents. For those of you who aren't into chemistry, when you subject hydrogen sulfide to any sort of moisture it creates hydrochloric acid and will burn flesh in large enough amounts. However the amount he had put in the vents weren't even close to the amount that could cause that amount of damage. The best that he could do would be to cause a burning sensation in the nose, but nowhere near a lethal amount. Well unfortunately one of the cleaning staff came by and freaked out about the chemical in the vents. My colleague admitted to putting it in the vents but the Head person wouldn't hear any of his explanation. Just so you know that head person has no experience in chemical engineering. Even I know more than she does, and that’s saying a lot. The only good part of my day was the fact that I got to distill some of the alcohal and could swipe some before anyone saw me. I'm gonna save it for a prank later. :-)
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You dont have to understand for it to be funny.
darkaliryn7_1
12/12/04 12:16 AM GMT
Sounds like someone needs to listen to those who know better than her . . .
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-------Kaze no Kizu!
noobguy
12/12/04 4:12 AM GMT
I have tripped, and fallen far too deep into a pit of apathy to climb my way out to the freedom that is tears
hmmm...how should that one be taken
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"Then as it was, Then again it will be. An' though the course may change sometimes, Rivers always reach the sea."
.Mudpuppy
01/16/06 7:51 PM GMT
Yeah, I have those cries...the ones where you can watch a commercial that you have seen like a trillion times but this one time you start to cry just because of that emotion..LOL...sometimes like you said for no real reason, your just teary...*sigh*
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"Holy, holy, holy is the lord God Almighty - the one who always was, who is, and who is still to come."

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